I had kept it a secret for a while. The most anyone knew was
my reaction from a talk with a family member that day. In fact I can’t tell you
who I had told first in a serious matter. I had always joked around about it.
Those who were close to me I am sure could sense my pain but didn’t know what
to do but they never knew it ran this deep.
There are many things I remember from that experience but
I’ll start at the beginning.
It was a Sunday. It was raining outside but the rain had
ended by the time I left my Aunt’s house. I cried all the way home. I had
finally hit that point in my life where all the frustration and brokenness in
my life had met. I don’t think it’s wrong for Christians to feel this way. I
think throughout the bible God allows His people to be broken so they will lean
more into Him. I cried though, all the way home. I reached this bridge however
and the thoughts ran ramped through my mind. I imagined running my car into the
bridge side or even just driving off the bridge. I imagined hitting the tree
but more importantly in that moment I imagined my family. I didn’t imagine
their heartache for losing their daughter, sister, niece, cousin or
granddaughter, I imagined the hassle it would be to deal with my death. I
imagined my parents being angry for having to replace their only car that I
would have wrecked. I imagined the financial hit my parents would take for the
funeral. I imagined the embarrassment my family would face explaining to people
why I took my life. The decision for me
was nonchalant, like a checkless of pros and cons. I drove home though.
When I arrived home I cried to my mom. I didn’t mention how
her only daughter almost ended her life but I told her of all the other things
that I had faced that day. It was another weekend for me. Another weekend of
discussing the same old hurt that I was feeling. Another weekend of my
depression getting the best of me. Another weekend.
As time went on and most everyone forgot that day happened
to me, that day was ever prevalent in my mind. I begin to fake it better. I
began to be sarcastic about my depression. I begin to joke about those who had
in a nonchalant manner encouraged me down that path with their hurtful words
and actions towards me. However when I was alone I’d sit there and imagine what
it would feel like to that person who would find my dead body.
A few months ago the secret I held in my heart got blurted
out. I do believe to some degree it shocked my parents to hear those words but
to another degree I am sure they had worried about it for a while. It came to
the point though where I had to explain it to my extended family. For once the
words didn’t come out in a fit of anger or in my sarcasm. The words came out in
a genuine need for understanding.
I wanted to die.
My body revolted against me. I shook and sobbed. It probably
was the first time I just let go. Every hurt, every frustration, every damaging
word spoken and negative action taken against me released from my body at that
moment. In that moment though I was freed.
It’s hard to place myself back there. It’s hard to every
think of the girl now who laughs way too much and who finds the joy in standing
in the pouring rain was ever drowned by the same rain.
My life is now filled with gratitude from those around me.
There are few people who truly stuck by me through it all. I realize that my
action were awful at times, that I pushed certain people away with my words and
actions. Many chose to leave, few stayed.
I’m not bitter. I think that I could easily hate those who hurt
me and blame them. My actions were still chosen by me. Every opposition I felt
was a growing opportunity. That’s why I am finally breaking the silence after a
year. I don’t know where you are in your life at this moment. If you are
depressed though, as cliché as it sounds, it get’s better.
James writes in James (Obviously, haha) that BLESSED is the
man/woman who is steadfast under trials, for he has stood the test he will
receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love Him. [James
1:12].
Lean into Christ, that
doesn’t mean that you’ll instantly feel better cause trust me it took months
for me to get to a point where my happy moments out weighed my sad moments. It
was a continual process of being broken and being healed, broken and healed.
Rest though in the promise held 2 Corinthians 1:4 Who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able
to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we
ourselves are comforted by God.
Also seek
guidance and mentorship. One of the best things I have done in my years as a
Christian is to find someone who will mentor me. She is able to recognize
things in me and walk me through passages in the bible. One of the main issues
I had due to my depression is my identity in Christ and she was able to guide
me through bible verses to help me recognize my identity.
Life get’s
better. Life is about hilltops and valleys. There are lessons to be learned on
both. I know the warning signs and situations that could easily trigger me back
into those bad days. I try to be grateful for all those in my life. I try to
help those who may be going through similar situations.
The pictures at the beginning of the blog are taken at two separate times. The one on top was taken right before that day on the bridge and the second one was taken a few weeks ago. I have no clue, maybe it's just me but if I strum through my photos I can clearly see into my heart in these photos through my eyes. My eyes tell a story of my journey and where I am at the specific moment. I am grateful that my eyes sparkle and shine. That my heart is filled with joy and that my eyes reflect that.
-Amanda
Amanda, I am so sorry you had to go through that. I completely understand how it feels to feel extremely depressed and suicidal, it's something I've dealt with for years and even still do to an extent, though I am no longer suicidal. I'm glad that you shared your story because it reminds us that depression can affect us all, but that you can get through it, and things do get better, eventually. I am happy to see that you are doing so much better, and hope that maybe you can use your story to help others that are in similar situations. God bless
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