I Wanted To Die... You Could See It in My Eyes

I had kept it a secret for a while. The most anyone knew was my reaction from a talk with a family member that day. In fact I can’t tell you who I had told first in a serious matter. I had always joked around about it. Those who were close to me I am sure could sense my pain but didn’t know what to do but they never knew it ran this deep.

There are many things I remember from that experience but I’ll start at the beginning.

It was a Sunday. It was raining outside but the rain had ended by the time I left my Aunt’s house. I cried all the way home. I had finally hit that point in my life where all the frustration and brokenness in my life had met. I don’t think it’s wrong for Christians to feel this way. I think throughout the bible God allows His people to be broken so they will lean more into Him. I cried though, all the way home. I reached this bridge however and the thoughts ran ramped through my mind. I imagined running my car into the bridge side or even just driving off the bridge. I imagined hitting the tree but more importantly in that moment I imagined my family. I didn’t imagine their heartache for losing their daughter, sister, niece, cousin or granddaughter, I imagined the hassle it would be to deal with my death. I imagined my parents being angry for having to replace their only car that I would have wrecked. I imagined the financial hit my parents would take for the funeral. I imagined the embarrassment my family would face explaining to people why I took my life.  The decision for me was nonchalant, like a checkless of pros and cons. I drove home though.

When I arrived home I cried to my mom. I didn’t mention how her only daughter almost ended her life but I told her of all the other things that I had faced that day. It was another weekend for me. Another weekend of discussing the same old hurt that I was feeling. Another weekend of my depression getting the best of me. Another weekend. 

As time went on and most everyone forgot that day happened to me, that day was ever prevalent in my mind. I begin to fake it better. I began to be sarcastic about my depression. I begin to joke about those who had in a nonchalant manner encouraged me down that path with their hurtful words and actions towards me. However when I was alone I’d sit there and imagine what it would feel like to that person who would find my dead body.

A few months ago the secret I held in my heart got blurted out. I do believe to some degree it shocked my parents to hear those words but to another degree I am sure they had worried about it for a while. It came to the point though where I had to explain it to my extended family. For once the words didn’t come out in a fit of anger or in my sarcasm. The words came out in a genuine need for understanding.

I wanted to die.

My body revolted against me. I shook and sobbed. It probably was the first time I just let go. Every hurt, every frustration, every damaging word spoken and negative action taken against me released from my body at that moment. In that moment though I was freed.

It’s hard to place myself back there. It’s hard to every think of the girl now who laughs way too much and who finds the joy in standing in the pouring rain was ever drowned by the same rain.

My life is now filled with gratitude from those around me. There are few people who truly stuck by me through it all. I realize that my action were awful at times, that I pushed certain people away with my words and actions. Many chose to leave, few stayed.

I’m not bitter. I think that I could easily hate those who hurt me and blame them. My actions were still chosen by me. Every opposition I felt was a growing opportunity. That’s why I am finally breaking the silence after a year. I don’t know where you are in your life at this moment. If you are depressed though, as cliché as it sounds, it get’s better.

James writes in James (Obviously, haha) that BLESSED is the man/woman who is steadfast under trials, for he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love Him. [James 1:12].

 Lean into Christ, that doesn’t mean that you’ll instantly feel better cause trust me it took months for me to get to a point where my happy moments out weighed my sad moments. It was a continual process of being broken and being healed, broken and healed. Rest though in the promise held 2 Corinthians 1:4 Who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.

Also seek guidance and mentorship. One of the best things I have done in my years as a Christian is to find someone who will mentor me. She is able to recognize things in me and walk me through passages in the bible. One of the main issues I had due to my depression is my identity in Christ and she was able to guide me through bible verses to help me recognize my identity.

Life get’s better. Life is about hilltops and valleys. There are lessons to be learned on both. I know the warning signs and situations that could easily trigger me back into those bad days. I try to be grateful for all those in my life. I try to help those who may be going through similar situations.

The pictures at the beginning of the blog are taken at two separate times. The one on top was taken right before that day on the bridge and the second one was taken a few weeks ago. I have no clue, maybe it's just me but if I strum through my photos I can clearly see into my heart in these photos through my eyes. My eyes tell a story of my journey and where I am at the specific moment. I am grateful that my eyes sparkle and shine. That my heart is filled with joy and that my eyes reflect that. 

-Amanda