In this truth though, I am not sad, or feeling like a failure, I feel proud and accomplished. I was baffled by this. Why should I feel excited and proud of not accomplishing my goals for 2014? So I began to mull over in my head why and my simple responses is this: New Years Resolutions aren't always about completing them but rather growing as a person.
Most of my goals from last consisted of creating a better version of myself. I wanted to eat healthier to look better. I wanted to read more to know more. I wanted to be more conscious of my words to go deeper in relationships. I wanted to be a better individual than who I was at the start of 2014. I feel I accomplished that but for your sake, let's take a trip down memory lane.
At The End of 2013
I cried a lot. The deep seeded hurt I was feeling only seemed to get worse as the days went by. Heading into 2014, I couldn't even begin to imagine that it was not yet over. My depression slowly creeping in, like a robber in the night. I could here the aches and creeks of my soul but I had not yet discovered a thief inside me. The one good thing is as I was falling down, Christ captured my attention, my heart, and my soul. Looking back I find it difficult to even be angry with the ones that hurt me. I feel throwing my fist in the air and cursing those who have cursed me is the same as telling God that His blessings of grace, love, mercy, forgiveness, and so on aren't enough to cover what was done.
Writing 2014 Resolutions
As I sat down to right my resolutions, like I mentioned earlier, I was searching to feel better. So many lies had been poured into my life for several years prior that had caused the build up that I now wanted to feel better. Those are things that I thought could fulfill my life. When really I just needed the first one on my list.
What I've Learned in 2014
God's Sense of Humor is Funnier than I Originally Thought
I have learned to laugh at my situations some times. Actually all the time. Laughing at these things I cannot control and in the grand scheme of things don't matter as created and retained a sense of joy in my life. I can't control what anyone does besides me and I chose to meet every obstacle, hardship, and situation with the joy only found in Christ. Does that mean I am always happy? No but it means that in every situation I seek God and find my answers in Him, find my joy in Him.
God's Blessings are better than I could have imagined
The other day as my dad and I drove around spending some quality daddy-daughter time, I told him just how thankful I am for the last year. As a collective most of 2013 and 2014 was a time of growing pains for not only me but for my family. I told him that without knowing what it feels like to be on the other side of the line drawn in the sand, I wouldn't know how to relate to others who have felt outcasted by a religious institution. Without losing someone I thought I'd married, I wouldn't have sought God in my romantic relationships. Without losing friends, I wouldn't have known what it meant to have real friends. Without losing a church, I wouldn't have known what it felt like to have a church family. It's like eating KFC chicken your whole life and then one day eating Chick-fil-A, you didn't even know what you were missing out on until you had what you were missing out on.
God's strength is renewing and stronger than mine
In February, my depression began to get crippling. I've talked about it before in blogs about it but never really went into detail. I am very independent and stubborn a majority of the time. So relying on God is often a struggle, often times God has to slap me one good time to get my attention. However around March my depression almost took over. On a rainy day, as I sat in my family's car, I almost took my life. I thought about driving my car into the bridge or into the trees. Though I know it was a battle in my heart and that God ultimately won at the time what prevented me was the burden it would put on my family. However from that moment forward, God has shown me that being weak at His feet, He'll make me stronger in Him. His strength has renewed Joy in me. His strength has renewed Grace in my life. His strength has renewed forgiveness in my life. Without Him I don't know where I'd be.
God's Grace is abundant
Woo Doggy! Is this a big one. I think for anyone who has seriously looked at their sin in their lives and looked at the magnitude of what Christ has done on the cross, this is a given of what they see but let me just tell you! God's grace in 2014 has been evident. Many times I saw as God protected me in situations where I could have potentially gotten hurt. God has enabled the broken down of my pride to be able to ask for forgiveness for my wrong doings. He has time and time again revealed lessons to me even when I was unwilling to learn. God's grace is not just a one time occurrence you receive when you pray a prayer, it is evident in every single moment of life.
God is restorative
This is much like God's strength. I love sometimes just looking back at my life sometimes and seeing just where God was moving even when in the midst I was sure he had forgotten about me. As I [In my humble opinion] am starting to head up the mountain of life and can look back down I can see all along the way God's restorative nature.
God's plan is always better than mine
In every situation, His plan is better. That's all.
So if I had to put my biased opinion in on things, I'd say that 2014 was a great year. Like most people I have work to do in the year 2015 as will I until the day I die however I am very excited to see where God takes me, what twist or turn God has in store for me. My prayer is that whatever happens in 2015 that I glorify God in my actions by showing Grace, Love, and Mercy to everyone I come in contact with. That I continue to grow deeper in my relationship with Christ, my family, and my friends.
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
-A
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