I realized there is a few ways you can look at your 20's. You can go with the normal American ideal where you party away your 20's, live up the life at college, and towards the end settle down with a good job, a lovely spouse and maybe a kid. Or you could do the standard for most Christian, hook yourself a spouse by 21, have lots of babies, and spend your days doing whatever it is married couples do. You could be ambitious and follow steadfastly after that career you've always wanted, barreling through everything and everyone to get to CEO by 30. I realized I had all these options laid down in front of me, I probably still do.
On one hand I've been handed on a nice, lovely, silver platter a business. Being that I had the opportunity to speak on behalf of this business when I was younger and have a lot of "cred", it's almost seen has a must-do. It's something that I feel I HAVE to be successful at. I HAVE to work my business. It's a nice gateway to allow me to follow my dreams and/or Christ.
On a different hand, I've experienced the idea of being in love young. I know a lot of adults are rolling their eyes right now shaking their wrinkly fingers at my youthful face and questioning why on earth I thought I was in love at the ripe young age of 19. *Step on Soapbox* Once you know the love of Christ, being ignorant to love is no longer a thing. Waiting till I'm older to be in love doesn't guarantee me happiness, love is work, love is a choice. *Off soap box* I've ALWAY imagined my life as a YOUNG wife and mother. Honestly, it's the only thing consistent in my life of what I want to be. Barefoot and in the kitchen making my husband a sandwich. Sue me.
On my third hand (Yes, I'm gifted with an extra hand), I'm at Party Central aka ECU aka College. It's unusual to me how easily it was for me to find out how to get alcohol. (Before you crap yourself I'm not drinking). It would be, in American culture, so understandable for me to party in college. In fact it is almost encourage to spend these years of your life living it up in the fast lane. Sex, drugs, and rock and roll baby.
Sadly, as I think about this stuff, I feel empty. Like, haven't eaten nothing but a poptart all day and it's now 9pm empty. I wasn't made to be madly in love with these things as society preaches to me I am.
I sit back and think:
- Partying freaks me out (AKA Cops)
- Money is nice but I don't like the feeling of being driven by it
- As much as I want to be a wife and a mother, I'm not that ready to be the responsible for another person yet
So what about me? Like what am I suppose to do? According to society I'm basically a bum.
My dad always said to me this "I can't should never be in your vocabulary" and I've heard it said like this "Impossible literally means I'm possible". Tonight; however, I realized both of those things are false.
I am
Horrible
Lustful
Prideful
A liar
A cheater
An adulterer
A jerk
A blasphemer
A hypocrite
A hater
Murderer
Uncompassionate
Unmotivated
Negative (Ironic, sorry)
No good bag of nothing
and you are too.
Well that just sucks.
My point is with all that, I can't do anything. I'm no good, I'm useless. We all are. Outside of the Grace of God we can't do anything good. Sure we can have put together lives. We can will ourselves into making money. We can will ourselves into have a great family. We can will ourselves into being healthy. We can will ourselves into have great spiritual walks. But in the end you're nothing a part from Christ. You will never achieve anything worth bragging to Him with out Him. He doesn't want just your good deeds and hard efforts. He wants you. All of you.
Lately, that's the struggle I've been facing. I've come into contact with many people who either think that God wouldn't create people to send them to Hell and therefore if you're a good person you'll get into Heaven or Christians who believe Christ died on the cross for their sins because He wanted them to live a ritualistic life filled with rules. Both are false. Good people die daily and go to Hell, I don't believe Christ made people to send them straight to Hell but I do believe He gave us the choice to chose Him and if we don't He has no other choice, He's a jealous God and you lived a life worshiping your good deeds instead of Him. On the flip side Christ came to set us free. In Christ we have life abundantly and in religion we just have life.
So with that being said, what side do I choose? Where do I want to go? What do I want to do? What do I want?
I don't want to live a mediocre life. I don't want my life to be boring and colorless. I don't want to fill my life with boring things of this earth that leave me empty. I don't want to isolate myself from this world with religion and rules. I want to chase to the ends of the Earth the Glory of God. I want to climb the highest mountain just to take Him in. I want to touch the hands of compassion and love. I want to serve others so that they may know my King. I want to run a race that makes Satan shake. I want to be crippled by sin to the point of not having a choice but to move in God's name. I want to be emptied of all my sinful ways so that in me, Christ can be glorified. I don't need money or luxuries, I need Him.
I want to reach a point in my walk with Christ that this is true. That's what my 20's are. I want to hug the necks of hurting single mothers. I want to love the rejected and hurting. I want to be the voice of the unheard. I want to educate myself about everything God has placed on this Earth. I want to feel what it feels like to have Blessing overflowing to the point that I am drained so much that all I have left to do is be filled by Christ again.
It's hard. Christ never promised easy, I know that. Christ promised a life of pain, trials, and persecution. He promise more sucky days than good ones. He told us that we were going to have to pick up our own cross and follow Him and following Him means death to one's self. He promise though that at the end of it, it would be well worth it.
My request is that you keep me in your prayers, pray that I will be broken by Christ, shattered even and that He will raise me up and make greater known His name than mine through me.
-A
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