After 3 years of desiring after this one guy, I was thrilled when he finally broke down and asked my dad to court me. I instantly continued on planning our wedding. After 3 months, I looked at this boy and wondered what was wrong with me. Did I love this boy? Yes. But was he the man I wanted to marry? I wasn't quite sure anymore. I was faced with this dilemma. I could stay with this man because my heart yearned for him or I could follow my head and leave. God began to work. Eventually I broke it off and after being bitter for all of a day and every once and awhile 10 minutes. I started to reevaluate things. I mean everything. I realized that this boy had nothing to do with why we didn't work out in the long run. Mentally both of us couldn't handle each other. But I'll just talk about me and my struggles.
1. I lied
Boy, did I. Nothing is scary when you are dealing with a good godly man and you know deep down in your heart that your life isn't where it should be. Up to him finally being broken by my constant run down, my life was a wreck. I was 2 months away from heading to the known party school in my state. The devil really started breaking down my moral walls. I struggled hard with this and when the boy finally admitted his interest it was like getting slapped in the face. I quickly scurried around to find the means in my power to piece together my broken relationship with CHRIST. I cut major corners and eventually lead to me at the end of our three month courtship, having to admit my fault.
2. I made excuses
He was my first boyfriend. So over my past 18 years of life the advice I had given to countless friends had, so I thought, taught me the do's and don'ts of a relationship. But weeks into it when my roommate and neighbor confronted me about things, I made excuses. I made excuses to everyone about his behavior. I tried to pretend like everything that was going on was stress related. I also put my relationship on a pedestal. Everyone else couldn't possibly understand my relationship because they just are frivolously dating, I am basically married. WRONG!
3. I sought him not HIM
Our relationship started off by the casual "How can I pray for you?", this was probably the best thing we did for our relationship. It started us off right. But as our relationship continued forward our steady pace ended up turning into a sprint. The only time I sprint is for chick fil a. As we huffed and puffed our way through our relationship we stopped caring about God. As God crept out, sins crept in. Fights began to ring loudly and God's word stooped to a whisper, and amongst the shouting HIS whisper was no existent. As things quickly started heading down hill, I constantly sought ways to gain the boy's attention, to make him notice me instead of seeking God. It wasn't until I was broken that I turned to God.
4. On the ground, stay on the ground
If you meet me and pursue a friendship with me, you'll soon find out that I choose words carefully. Most of my middle school years I found out just how damaging words could be. Luckily this taught me the power of thinking before I speak (For the most part). When I get into fights with people, I generally am quick to apologize. Half way through the argument I realize the pettiness or the wrong in the argument. I am not a fan of confrontation if it can be avoided. However in my relationship this allotted to constant stepping over the lines of respect and disrespect. I choose to believe he didn't do this on purpose and most of the time I feel he was doing what was best. In the long run though I continually allowed him to just step over me and disregard my feelings and emotions. I learned quickly my worth when a good friend of mine stated in regards to her relationship that "... I am a daughter of the one true King and I deserve better...". I came to the realization that no matter what relationship you are in, friendship, marriage, or dating, that respect is a must from a christian man to a christian woman and vice versa. Will you fail? Yes. Is that a reason to not try? No.
5. God uses our breaking points, as lessons
My earthly father was very good at always teaching me a lesson of character. So as I sat there and went through that faze after my break up where I questioned everything that I did. I wanted to know where I went wrong, what did I do? I soon figured out that it really wasn't me and and it wasn't him. It was both of us. I; however, wanted to make sure that my next relation was my last one. God taught me a lesson in several areas of my life. One of them was what I wanted to do with my ministry. He also taught me one of the biggest lessons I ever learned and probably will have to learn a few more times just because I am stubborn. That lesson was the lesson of be completely filled with Him, that a boy, friend or anything is just an over flow. That anything more than Him can come and go and my joy would not go with them.
After talking this through myself it was easy to talk to others about this. (I secretly think they are all tired of hearing it). But now I am on this journey, this journey of completely going ocean deep as my dad continually reminds me to do to find Christ.
Love,
Amanda
Song of Solomon 4:7
No comments:
Post a Comment