Broken

Just like most days, today ideas pop into my head, words stuck out and stories shaped my view of the finite being that I am. As I am on this growing expedition, I am realizing what I had been missing the last few months in the sense of what it feels like to just live rather than existing amongst tragedies. Lately, I have been examining my life; things like where did I fall off the road? How do I feel about that? etc, have been floating around my head. I've realized everyone of those questions revert back to the very real truth of my life, that is, Christ has broken me. As a sinful Christian I believe that being broken is a very real part of the walk. Christianity is not an easy life to live and anyone who tells you differently isn't doing it right or is lying to you. Nonetheless, God has been breaking me down piece by piece reverting back to April, almost two years ago. Almost two years ago a good friend of mine died in a car accident. Ever since then the feeling of lost-ness has been strangely abundant.

"Patience is a key virtue" is something I tend to say, sadly every time I say it I am reminded of what little patience I do have. I rush a lot of the aspects in my life, I am a result kind of girl. I miss out on the journey because I am so ready to see where I'll be and After losing my friend having the patiences to heal wasn't something I even attempted to do. I almost felt guilty for feeling so broken by it as I did, like how dare I, someone who had only known this girl for a few short few months, be allotted the time to feel this pain. Truth was though, daily I think about her, daily I think about our last conversation, the numbness I felt the day I found out she died or the pain that pierced my every vein and muscle at her visitation. Nothing was ever the same since then. I realize now though that I have to allow myself time to heal.


Today my best friend was telling me a story on where she was explaining the reason she didn't like my ex was because of how he broke me. As she told me the story I felt my big-bad self shouting "No he didn't break me, he couldn't have, he doesn't have that much control" the truth is, there's part of me he did break. The thought of reuniting with him is tarnished with bitterness. The idea of seeing him, hurts. He isn't a bad guy and his intentions might have been good, but in the end I was left broken. For the past few months I have been trying to hide that pain and brokenness under anger and strength. I realize now though that I have to allow myself time to heal.


As I talk about old friends, friends whom a year ago I was inseparable with, friends who I thought were my ride or die, friends who are now someone I try to avoid, I am sadden. No one ever wants to lose a best friend, ever, especially in such a way that is sudden and confusing. No one defiently doesn't want to lose almost a dozen of them in one shot. For the last few months I have covered that up with sarcastic remarks and accusations.I realize now thought that I have to allow myself time to heal.


It's easy to allow people to harm you. Which sounds weird saying, especially people whom you entrust your heart and soul to. You want them to be unhuman like and act as if they aren't ran by selfish motives caused by sin. The magnificent thing about it is this, God uses that brokenness, that pain and that heartache to radically change your life. He did that with  mine. Even though people dating back to my grandparents and coming ahead to the recent ones I have forgiven, the pain they caused is forever imprinted onto my heart because it is a lesson in which God has used. 


Brokenness isn't just caused by sinful people. It can be caused by lost or illness. God is a wonderful healer of the heart though if you just give it to him.

Jesus replied "You don't understand what I am doing, but someday you will." John 13:7

Amanda :)