Friends

I laid starring at the ceiling thinking about where I was, where I had come from, and how much I wouldn't change this. Another night, we'd probably done something so normal, so finite in the the grand scheme of life but in that moment it was infinite in my little world. The laughs engulfed my thoughts like the sea engulfs the shoreline. Fierce, roaring, beautiful and yet so common. 

They honestly don't know the power they have in my life. They pushed open a door that I thought would lock me inside myself forever. It wasn't some FBI raid of my soul but rather a gentle touch that sent everything a flow. 

Her words were simple "You're different, you're better." She said. She had only ever known the part of me that tried to gather my life as it slipped through my fingers like sand. She only knew the crumpled ball of paper lying in the corner but here I was now in front of her straighten, stronger. 

My laugh it roars and they join in, not knowing the pain that that laughter once hid. When I say I love them, they don't understand how my heart would ache with out them there. If I had never known them my heart would ache to know them. When I tell them how happy I am to be with them they don't understand how much happiness it means. They don't understand how it feels to be friends with genuine friends. To feel lifted up around friends rather than torn down by friends. 

Friends. 7 Letters. One Attached by affection or esteem. One that is not hostile. One of the same nation, party or group. A person you enjoy being with. A person who helps or supports someone or something. Friends. 2 syllables.

1 mouth to speak love 

2 hands to lift up 

3 words I love you

4 thousand things to laugh 

5, high fives are crazy complicated 

6 in the morning is our new bedtime 

7 million words wouldn't begin to explain how thankful I am for you. 

Friends. 

Best friends. 

Who needs a boyfriend when you have friends like this.

XOXO

Amanda 

That September Day

13 years ago today I was a almost 7 years old. I was in Mrs. Smith's first grade class at Locus Grove Elementary in Red Lion PA, she always was getting foot surgery and I didn't like her very much. However 13 years ago none of that was anything of real importance to me looking back.

They say you start developing a long term memory around age 4. I can, if I think really hard, remember a few memories. However only a few memories really stick out around this time like that September day.

I remember getting off the bus. My bus stop was at the end of my street that wound up. My mom met me and as we walked closer to the house I could see my dad's blue car that was covered with bumper stickers. Even at age six I understood this was unusual, I however was thrilled that daddy was home. I ran up through the house and back to the room where my parents were. Honestly, I think this is the first time I ever saw my dad cry. He was laying on the bed I could vividly see his "I gave blood" sticker on his shirt and tears streaming down his face. He watched the TV, his eyes fixated on it.

Later on that night, or maybe it was a few days later, my dad took me outside. We stood in our yard and he pointed to the sky. "See that Amanda?" He asked me. I held onto his hand and starred off into the dark oasis above me. "What?" I asked. "No planes." He answered.

No Planes.

If you haven't caught on or don't know what fall day I am referring to then you probably don't understand the significance of the no planes in the sky. Maybe you're too young or just forgotten what brought us to remembering this day.

To me though this is a day that would forever shaped my views of this country. I was only 6 just a week shy of my 7th birthday when Islamic terrorist hijacked our country. I can't remember a time when a war wasn't going on. I don't remember a time when security checks at the airport were so extreme. I've never seen the World Trade Center standing.

I can however remember a time when my dad b-lined it through the Lowe's parking lot to shake the hand of a man in uniform. Or the time my father prayed over a Marine in church. I can remember a time when seeing my President made me tear up. Or when being a President to change the world was my goal. I can remember all the funny remarks and looks I got when I told everyone my graduation party theme was America and I proudly wore my American flag scarf (Which I will be wearing tomorrow). I remember the day when my brother told me he wanted to be a Marine and how my heart still get's filled with pride thinking about it. I can remember a time when singing the national anthem make shivers go up my spine. I can remember just 2 weeks ago how I never felt more like a Pirate then when we all sang out to the song.

I can't remember a time of not being a patriot.

If you know me, you know I love my country. I understand the gift it is to live in a country where just simply being born made me part of the 1% of the world's wealth regardless of my parent's economic standing, even in this past year of being American poor. It's a gift that I can say the government sucks and not be beheaded for it. It's a gift that I am an American. You probably also know my extreme love for political documentaries or the fact that I'm generally not a cryer. I will lower my pride though for a brief minute to tell you that 9/11 videos/movies still make me cry.

Watching that first plane hit at 8:46 into the World Trade Center tears.

Or the Second one hitting 9:03 am brings a gut wrenching feeling into my stomach.

And again into the Pentagon.

And the last time into the Pennsylvania field.

I place myself in the shoes of those watching the towers fall, the horror they must feel and every year on this date I watch the same documentaries and go through the same emotions.

Personally, I don't want to forget. Not that I want to strike up revenge or keep hatred in my heart but that I don't want to forget that day as a turning point for our country. It's one of those days that regardless of our political preference, our sex, our religion or lack their of, or our social agendas, that day most of us sat glued to watching this event. For once in a long while we were one unit.

Fast forward 13 years and many of us have created so many divisions in ourselves it's not even cute. You either hate Obama or you love him. You either are a Liberal or a conservative or an anarchistic or "secretly" part of anonymous (which is sort of like anarchistic and it's not so secretive). You either are for abortion or for life. You either are for same-sex marriage or against them. People who stand for love throw the most rocks at others it seems and the world is flipped to the way it was made to be.

So as you remember this day reflect on this

"A house divided cannot stand" - Abraham Lincoln

Also reflect on if you live in America how much of a privilege it is to live in such a country even in the bad. Are we perfect? Far from it. Are we the greatest country out there? Personally I say yes but that is my outlook. Do we have a long ways to go? Absolutely. For right now though you are an American whether born into it or migrated amongst it. You can be a part of the solution or you can just complain about it the difference is one will change tomorrow and one will just make people want to punch you in the face. 

Make America Better in Honor of the 2,996 people that died that September day

XOXO 

Amanda 

Made New!

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come

[2 Corinthians 5:17]

Hola Peeps!

I wish I could transfer my excitement fully through a computer screen but I can't so just know I am super excited. 

Though tomorrow is the day in which I am truly excited for I decided [Due to already knowing how hectic tomorrow will be] that I would go ahead and write to you explaining to you why so you can also be excited along with me [And pray]. Tomorrow marks a day of new beginnings, new adventures, a fresh start if you will. 

Tomorrow I will be moving into the dorm which I will spend my second year of college in. My school supplies have been bought and [mostly] everything is packed. Tomorrow at 7:30 AM I will be loading up a van and heading back to Greenville.  Yay! I cannot even explain to you how pumped I am to get started on this year. I've expressed to you the heartache I have had over the last year and finally I am at a place where the doom and gloom cloud has passed and I am taking in the radiant light of Jesus once again. 

Speaking of the awesome Lord I serve! The BIGGEST reason and without question the most important reason I am excited for tomorrow is it's my birthday! I'll be four! 

I know what you're thinking! 'Four Amanda? Tomorrow? I thought your birthday is in September and I thought you were turning 20. Like didn't you just write a blog post about turning 20 soon???' You're right, but my fourth birthday coming up tomorrow is far more important than my 20th. 

Four years ago today was a Sunday. I remember vividly the dark room filled with a bunch of teenagers. The song Hosanna was playing and right there in C3's teen auditorium I handed my life over to Jesus Christ. Since then it's been a roller-coaster that only goes up [Thank you Fault in Our Stars for that catch phrase]. I wish we could all just sit around a cup of coffee and talk about the amazing things Christ has done in each of our lives because at least for me I could go on for days. In the last year God has shown me just how much He loves me even when running away from Him is the only thing I feel like doing. God has taught me hard lesson but He has also brought people into my life to shepherd me and grow me in the likeness of Him. I am so excited to see what the next year and so on holds as I try to seek Him daily and bring Glory to His name. 

So in light of my fourth birthday and happy move in day have a cup of coffee or tea and a cupcake for me! 

XOXO

Mandacakes

The Greatest Man

There's been many great men in history. Some conquered empires. Some changed social order. Others changed the world as we knew it. However this isn't about any of them. This is about one man who did all that.

He grew up with not much. Many of his summers were spent on his family farm. He didn't particularly excel in school. After graduating from his town's high school he headed to the Navy. He worked hard and partied even harder.  After one of his tours he was tricked into going on a date with a beautiful curly haired manager at the Dollar Store. A few years later he put a ring on it and they married in the middle of September. This is about the time that his journey began to change.

Nearly 5 years after he married the curly brunette they welcomed a little girl. He probably didn't know it as he held her abnormally large and stretched out head that he would radically change a world.

Nearly 20 years later that baby girl knows for a fact that she would not be where she is with out that man.

His rough hands taught her so much. They taught her how to pitch a softball, bait a hook, and iron a shirt the navy way. They clapped at her games and when she stood in front of a 25,000 people to share her success. They brushed away tears when life knocked her down.

His eyes watched as she flourished and they saw when she was going to fall. They cried the day she walked across the stage and gathered her diploma. They watched her soar and watched her fall.

His lips spoke truth into her life; truth of the gospel and a man far greater than him and the saving grace he offered on a wooden cross 2,000 years ago. His lips built up her character and self esteem. His lips taught lessons. His lips made her laugh.

Day by day, month by month, year by year he changed the world of a little brown eyed girl. He helped her conquer the demons that lived within. He helped change the social order of her life.

Sometimes daddy doesn't even know how much he changed my life. To the world he may not be much. He doesn't make much money and he doesn't have degrees hanging on the wall. He can't send me all around the world and give me everything my wicked heart desires. He did however changed my world. He spent more time developing my character then money on me. He cares more about be being kind and displaying Christ than making loads of money and being well-known. I am who I am because he chose to be active father in my life than a sideliner. He is the first man I loved. The first man to hold my hand. The first man to tell me he loved me. The first man to tell me how proud of me he is. He had every excuse to be lousy father but he chose to be better.


So daddy as you celebrate your birthday today working hard to provide for us just know this, if you ever doubt if you are a good father,  know you're the greatest. If you ever doubt whether you are a good man, know you're the best kind. If you ever doubt whether you are loved, know you are far more loved than words could express.




Happy Birthday Daddy!

Love you!

Your daughter,
Amanda

Bumper Guilt

Preblog: So I wanted to awkwardly apologize for my M.I.A status the last three months. It's summer so do I need to say more? I'd like to say I'd blog more but honestly as school begins to pick up I have no clue how much time I will have dedicated to blogging. Writing has and will always be a source of release for me. I do this in many forms and blogging is just one of them. Maybe I can start posting my short stories for y'all! Anyway, I wanted to make that disclaimer before this blog.

In true life fashion the relationships in my life have evolved rather quickly the last year. If I go WAAAYYY back they've always done this in my life. As I grew up many factors played into the rapidly changing relationships. Sometimes it was moving that erupted this friendships. Other times it was just the relationship took it's course.

Tonight one of my good friends texted me talking about her relationships. She is completely different from me when it comes to relationships. She's a wide-open extrovert who could probably make friends with a tree if the situation called for it. She's the person that knows everybody and talks to everybody. She's the type of person that will hold you if you cry whether she knows you or not and the type of person who will stop you to ask you your name. She's completely understanding of people and willing to forgive (Thank goodness cause we'd probably wouldn't be friends if it weren't for that quality). Most times I am extremely jealous of this aspect in her personality.

I, much like I stated above, am very different from her. I'm nice but I'm rarely the person who will make idle conversation with strangers. Small talk drives me insane, I am more of a deep-let-me-tell-you-about-my-life person. I love to learn about people in a non-basic manner. I like the meat and potatoes. Though I am jealous of my friend's extrovertness, I wouldn't change this about me.

However my friend came to me tonight and told me how I really am the only friend she possess. The only person she can tell her problems to. The only person besides close family members that she trust. Everyone else is just mere acquaintances.

This made me immensely guilty.

Why?

I already trust you.

By the time we've hung out outside of usual places I've already scoped you out. I've made a judgement and determined that I want that friendship. So by then I already have a sense of trust. With that trust my life pours out.

With that being said the bigger the issues I don't spill to everyone. I do have a filter. But I have several people in my life that I can go to with an issue in my life and get an opinion. I have the friend who will call me everyday after my life felt like it was crumbling to pieces to pray for me. I have that friend who will beat up anyone who hurts me. I have another friend just to tell me it will be alright. I have friends who will let me be anger for a bit. Friends who will tell me to get over it. Friends who will take me to the bible. I have mentors and family.

So when this friend told me this I felt a pang of guilt. I have for awhile. I feel the need to chose a best friend and as selfish as it sounds, I don't want to nor do I think they want me to either. The guilt however with her came from the idea that she solely relies on me and I don't on her. My full trust rides on the unchanging God I serve but I also rely on my bumpers aka my best friends, mentors, and family for their advice and guidance.

I guess that's just where my heart is tonight. I look at those relationships around me and I am amazed at how they God orchestrated them into existence. I look at those relationships that are no longer; some sadden me that they ended the way they did, others I am grateful for them being ended by a divine God who knows far more than I'll ever know. I pray God will morph the relationships into ones that both serve Him and bring Him glory. Everyday I thank God for the blessings of great friends, wonderful mentors, and a kick-butt family.


XOXO
Mandacakes



P.S What would you like for me to write? Comment on Facebook or below :)

My New Self

Hey Readerettes (and Readers)!

I am so thrilled to be writing y'all. I've been MIA for awhile which is strange seeing as how my New Years Resolutions was to write on my blog weekly but I failed (oops). Anyway I am just so excited to be writing this blog post. If you have followed my blog from the beginning (Or you could just go back and read) you would notice the roller-coaster ride my life has been on really for the last year. My last blog that I wrote was the 100 things I've learned in the last 365 days. One of the big lessons I learned is just being me and daily being a better version of who I was yesterday.


Needless to say this takes work. This just doesn't happen over night (Lord knows that I wish it did). Every night though I go to be wishing for better things. I'd imagine a world where my heart didn't hurt and I didn't feel stuck. Every morning though I'd arise and quickly scramble to remind myself that I wasn't making any progress, that my heart was still broken, and that nothing good was going to come out of my life. WRONG WRONG, LIES AMANDA LIES! However some major events have happened in the last month that completely and utterly came to ahead Monday night sitting in my car heading to Wal-Mart.

The Identity Crisis

A little over a month ago I was having a "discussion" with my parents. Mainly it was a talk on how, um vocal I had become and how disrespectful it was beginning to be. It ended with me in tears once again because I knew no longer who I was. Logically I knew all the things God spoke about His children and that was truly who I was but in my heart I didn't believe it. God surely couldn't love a messed up person like me. Then a dear lady who lives down the street from us who likes to walk at high paces said to me "Amanda I know it hurts but what they say about you isn't true." and then another lady from church told me the same thing she said "Amanda, I see you at church and I notice you are on the right path, don't let those words change that." 

Praying for Joy

After my first roommate left I had about a month to wallow in self-pity alone. Not that that really had anything to do with moving forward other than my next roommate that came in was named Joy. My Aunt chuckled when I told her. She said it was funny that God knew I needed some Joy. But Joy was no where to be found in this little bitter heart of mine. However after realizing that my issues no longer lied in the hands of those who had caused my misery but in my hands that continued to wage the war of bitterness after forgiveness, I knew that to allow my heart to change I needed to pray for joy-the emotion not that I don't pray for Joy-the person. I've always thought that maybe people kind of saw me as uptight which lead to being unhappy and that always made me feel a little uneasy. I felt like I lacked joy which is something you shouldn't lack with Christ. So I began each day by saying "Jesus please keep me from temptation and fill my heart with joy." 

A Newfound Sense of Joy

I didn't think it was working at all, the prayers. Yeah, I felt happy some but not really what I thought joy was suppose to feel like which brings me to my point of Monday night. If you didn't know my family is in this process of adopting 2 little boys and some sad news came our way. I walked out of the house with tears streaming down my face. I was angry, so angry. I was so ready to yell and scream at God when I got into the car, well I was actually just gonna ignore him mostly. Ignoring God, what a thought. I turned on the radio though and this came on 

and suddenly my joy was there. I praised God for being gracious enough to allow me to feel hurt and pain. I praised Him for giving me far more than I deserve on the other side of pain.

Putting Off The Old Self and Putting On The New Self

My year has been a journey. One of those who likes to criticize me criticized me for putting the lessons I learned on the internet he says that is doesn't do anything nor show my character. Nor do I want it to. I want you to find out for yourself the change God has done in my life. I am growing daily. I have great friends who pour biblical truths into my life. I have a new mentorship with a fantastic woman of God. I have still the great family who strives daily with me to a better version of myself. But daily I must ask God to restore in me a love, gracious, pure, joyous, sacrificial, selfless, committed, respectful self and daily He does. So I pray and ask for your prayers as I continue forth. Pray for the bettering of myself both spiritually, mentally, and physically. 

-A

Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me {Psalm 51:10}

1 Year

It's amazing what 365 days can do to a girl.

A year ago today I walked across a stage and took hold of my high school diploma. I watch my friends graduate and we celebrated.

I had dreams and visions for my life. Honestly those hopes and dreams were completely and utterly shattered this past year. Praise God for that.


A year ago my idea of my life was to live my life with my best friends at the time, marry that boy I had wanted for most of my high school career, get a degree in Political Science, have a family, and become the first female President. On the flip side I also wanted to embrace the notorious reputation that East Carolina University held as a party school. I had visions of partying and drinking and sex. I was running from God fast and furious a year ago.

As much as my outer self kept me together, my inner self was bursting with worldly passions. I didn't know who or what I was anymore but I put on a wonderful show.

Like I said, it's amazing what 365 days will do to a girl.

In 100 days though I will hit another milestone. Adulthood.

Legally I have hit this milestone over a year ago but in 100 days I will hit the big 2-0. So in light of that here is 100 things that the past year has taught me.

01. God is greater than anything I could imagine

02. God's plans are greater than anything I could wish for

03. In the friendship game, it's better to have 4 quarters than 100 pennies

04. The first boy you love may not be the last boy you love

05. It's okay to hurt, it's not ok to become bitter

06. Real friends build you up

07. Fake friends seek to destroy you

08. A Good Family is worth more than all the diamonds in the world

09. If you won't move out of your seat, God will place someone next to you that stinks

10. Sometimes new friendships come out of the most random circumstances

11. Even when you don't feel it, God loves you

12. God has a sense of humor, sometimes you just need to learn to laugh

13. Praying friends are better than friends who offer you a shoulder

14. Discipline hurts

15. College: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times

16. God doesn't always prune us gently

17. If it feels wrong, it most likely is

18. God doesn't offer us the spirit of timidity, Satan sells that, don't buy it

19. Don't place your identity in Christians, place it in Christ

20. If they talk about others to you, they'll talk about you to others

21. Always remember you may be the only true example of Christ others see

22. Starbucks is really expensive

23. Just cause you have money, doesn't mean you should spend it

24. Watch what secrets you entrust to others

25. Sometimes if people can't tear you down with the truth, they'll make stuff up. Don't believe it

26. You're free to have joy

27. Sometimes being heard isn't the most important thing

28. Forgiveness doesn't always equal friendship

29. Some people don't care that they hurt you, still forgive them

30. Forgiveness is something you need to do daily

31. Don't allow others to control what you do

32. Don't paint your nails and leave the bottle on the edge of your bed

33. Nail polish is hard to clean up

34. Sometimes crying is all you can do

35. People are always watching

36. Just because they are adults, doesn't mean they act like it

37. Praise God when you are rich, praise Him even more when you are poor

38. Writing a book isn't as easy as it sounds

39. Trust everyone, but don't let it change you if they break that trust

40. Charm is deceitful and beauty is fleeting

50. Painting is calming

51. I have some artistic bone

52. Humility is a hard pill to swallow, do it anyway

53. Keep the end in mind

54. Keep your head held high

55. Praying is too important to do only at meals and before bed

56. Praising God in the midst of pain is so very sweet

57. The worldly things make look like chocolate but really it's just nicely decorated mud

58. Name alone doesn't make someone a Christian

59. People throw rocks at things that shine (Thanks T-swizzle)

60. A true friend will apologize for hurting you, not blame you

61. Subtweeting leads nowhere good

62. Surround yourself with God's word

63. Lean on God's people

64. Modesty is the best policy

65. Don't just think about chasing God, actually start running

66. Everyone you meet is a new opportunity to learn something new

67. Change sucks going through it, but is awesome when it's done

68. There's a difference between caring and being nosey

69. Mom is truly my best friend

70. Dad is my protector of everything my physical being to my character

71. When you aren't watching your little brother becomes a man

72. Weird is awesome, embrace it

73. Disney movies aren't that bad

74. You will change your major

75. Caring about the opinions of others who don't care about you, is a waste of time

76. Don't look at their social media

77. Laughter is really a good cure

78. Believe that God has and is meeting your greatest need

79. Sometimes family isn't about shared DNA and last names at all but of who is there and loves you

80. God's revenge is the best and easy revenge, so let Him handle it

81. Some people want to help, let them

82. Let go of anger

83. Let go of sadness

84. Let go of the past

85. Christ conquered all, stop trying to too

86. Just cause it's comfortable doesn't mean it's right

87. My future husband is far better than the man in my head

88. A job, a house, a car, a husband, children etc. will come in time. In the mean time grow in God

89. Learn new things

90. Be the person you always wanted but do it with a Gospel heart

91. Talk is just talk, don't let false words change you

92. You have far more people in your corner than you think

93. Even if you don't have people in your corner, God is in your corner so who else do you need?

94. Maturity is a lifestyle not just a destination

95. Tragedies don't prove maturity, how you handle said tragedies do

96. There truly is more fish in the sea, don't get hooked on one

97. Take care of your body, it's housing the King of Kings

98. Work hard

99. It's far better to work hard and get it right the first time then make up for it later

100. Today is a new day with new graces

-A