Bumper Guilt

Preblog: So I wanted to awkwardly apologize for my M.I.A status the last three months. It's summer so do I need to say more? I'd like to say I'd blog more but honestly as school begins to pick up I have no clue how much time I will have dedicated to blogging. Writing has and will always be a source of release for me. I do this in many forms and blogging is just one of them. Maybe I can start posting my short stories for y'all! Anyway, I wanted to make that disclaimer before this blog.

In true life fashion the relationships in my life have evolved rather quickly the last year. If I go WAAAYYY back they've always done this in my life. As I grew up many factors played into the rapidly changing relationships. Sometimes it was moving that erupted this friendships. Other times it was just the relationship took it's course.

Tonight one of my good friends texted me talking about her relationships. She is completely different from me when it comes to relationships. She's a wide-open extrovert who could probably make friends with a tree if the situation called for it. She's the person that knows everybody and talks to everybody. She's the type of person that will hold you if you cry whether she knows you or not and the type of person who will stop you to ask you your name. She's completely understanding of people and willing to forgive (Thank goodness cause we'd probably wouldn't be friends if it weren't for that quality). Most times I am extremely jealous of this aspect in her personality.

I, much like I stated above, am very different from her. I'm nice but I'm rarely the person who will make idle conversation with strangers. Small talk drives me insane, I am more of a deep-let-me-tell-you-about-my-life person. I love to learn about people in a non-basic manner. I like the meat and potatoes. Though I am jealous of my friend's extrovertness, I wouldn't change this about me.

However my friend came to me tonight and told me how I really am the only friend she possess. The only person she can tell her problems to. The only person besides close family members that she trust. Everyone else is just mere acquaintances.

This made me immensely guilty.

Why?

I already trust you.

By the time we've hung out outside of usual places I've already scoped you out. I've made a judgement and determined that I want that friendship. So by then I already have a sense of trust. With that trust my life pours out.

With that being said the bigger the issues I don't spill to everyone. I do have a filter. But I have several people in my life that I can go to with an issue in my life and get an opinion. I have the friend who will call me everyday after my life felt like it was crumbling to pieces to pray for me. I have that friend who will beat up anyone who hurts me. I have another friend just to tell me it will be alright. I have friends who will let me be anger for a bit. Friends who will tell me to get over it. Friends who will take me to the bible. I have mentors and family.

So when this friend told me this I felt a pang of guilt. I have for awhile. I feel the need to chose a best friend and as selfish as it sounds, I don't want to nor do I think they want me to either. The guilt however with her came from the idea that she solely relies on me and I don't on her. My full trust rides on the unchanging God I serve but I also rely on my bumpers aka my best friends, mentors, and family for their advice and guidance.

I guess that's just where my heart is tonight. I look at those relationships around me and I am amazed at how they God orchestrated them into existence. I look at those relationships that are no longer; some sadden me that they ended the way they did, others I am grateful for them being ended by a divine God who knows far more than I'll ever know. I pray God will morph the relationships into ones that both serve Him and bring Him glory. Everyday I thank God for the blessings of great friends, wonderful mentors, and a kick-butt family.


XOXO
Mandacakes



P.S What would you like for me to write? Comment on Facebook or below :)

My New Self

Hey Readerettes (and Readers)!

I am so thrilled to be writing y'all. I've been MIA for awhile which is strange seeing as how my New Years Resolutions was to write on my blog weekly but I failed (oops). Anyway I am just so excited to be writing this blog post. If you have followed my blog from the beginning (Or you could just go back and read) you would notice the roller-coaster ride my life has been on really for the last year. My last blog that I wrote was the 100 things I've learned in the last 365 days. One of the big lessons I learned is just being me and daily being a better version of who I was yesterday.


Needless to say this takes work. This just doesn't happen over night (Lord knows that I wish it did). Every night though I go to be wishing for better things. I'd imagine a world where my heart didn't hurt and I didn't feel stuck. Every morning though I'd arise and quickly scramble to remind myself that I wasn't making any progress, that my heart was still broken, and that nothing good was going to come out of my life. WRONG WRONG, LIES AMANDA LIES! However some major events have happened in the last month that completely and utterly came to ahead Monday night sitting in my car heading to Wal-Mart.

The Identity Crisis

A little over a month ago I was having a "discussion" with my parents. Mainly it was a talk on how, um vocal I had become and how disrespectful it was beginning to be. It ended with me in tears once again because I knew no longer who I was. Logically I knew all the things God spoke about His children and that was truly who I was but in my heart I didn't believe it. God surely couldn't love a messed up person like me. Then a dear lady who lives down the street from us who likes to walk at high paces said to me "Amanda I know it hurts but what they say about you isn't true." and then another lady from church told me the same thing she said "Amanda, I see you at church and I notice you are on the right path, don't let those words change that." 

Praying for Joy

After my first roommate left I had about a month to wallow in self-pity alone. Not that that really had anything to do with moving forward other than my next roommate that came in was named Joy. My Aunt chuckled when I told her. She said it was funny that God knew I needed some Joy. But Joy was no where to be found in this little bitter heart of mine. However after realizing that my issues no longer lied in the hands of those who had caused my misery but in my hands that continued to wage the war of bitterness after forgiveness, I knew that to allow my heart to change I needed to pray for joy-the emotion not that I don't pray for Joy-the person. I've always thought that maybe people kind of saw me as uptight which lead to being unhappy and that always made me feel a little uneasy. I felt like I lacked joy which is something you shouldn't lack with Christ. So I began each day by saying "Jesus please keep me from temptation and fill my heart with joy." 

A Newfound Sense of Joy

I didn't think it was working at all, the prayers. Yeah, I felt happy some but not really what I thought joy was suppose to feel like which brings me to my point of Monday night. If you didn't know my family is in this process of adopting 2 little boys and some sad news came our way. I walked out of the house with tears streaming down my face. I was angry, so angry. I was so ready to yell and scream at God when I got into the car, well I was actually just gonna ignore him mostly. Ignoring God, what a thought. I turned on the radio though and this came on 

and suddenly my joy was there. I praised God for being gracious enough to allow me to feel hurt and pain. I praised Him for giving me far more than I deserve on the other side of pain.

Putting Off The Old Self and Putting On The New Self

My year has been a journey. One of those who likes to criticize me criticized me for putting the lessons I learned on the internet he says that is doesn't do anything nor show my character. Nor do I want it to. I want you to find out for yourself the change God has done in my life. I am growing daily. I have great friends who pour biblical truths into my life. I have a new mentorship with a fantastic woman of God. I have still the great family who strives daily with me to a better version of myself. But daily I must ask God to restore in me a love, gracious, pure, joyous, sacrificial, selfless, committed, respectful self and daily He does. So I pray and ask for your prayers as I continue forth. Pray for the bettering of myself both spiritually, mentally, and physically. 

-A

Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me {Psalm 51:10}