Confessions of A 2014 Failure

Christmas is like a week a way and New Years is right around the corner and here I sit, in the dark, realizing that I have yet to accomplish hardly any of my goals for 2014. As I read through my blog 2014 I realized there's only a few that I feel I have made strides towards while the rest have come up void.

In this truth though, I am not sad, or feeling like a failure, I feel proud and accomplished. I was baffled by this. Why should I feel excited and proud of not accomplishing my goals for 2014? So I began to mull over in my head why and my simple responses is this: New Years Resolutions aren't always about completing them but rather growing as a person. 

Most of my goals from last consisted of creating a better version of myself. I wanted to eat healthier to look better. I wanted to read more to know more. I wanted to be more conscious of my words to go deeper in relationships. I wanted to be a better individual than who I was at the start of 2014. I feel I accomplished that but for your sake, let's take a trip down memory lane. 

At The End of 2013

I cried a lot. The deep seeded hurt I was feeling only seemed to get worse as the days went by. Heading into 2014, I couldn't even begin to imagine that it was not yet over. My depression slowly creeping in, like a robber in the night. I could here the aches and creeks of my soul but I had not yet discovered a thief inside me. The one good thing is as I was falling down, Christ captured my attention, my heart, and my soul. Looking back I find it difficult to even be angry with the ones that hurt me. I feel throwing my fist in the air and cursing those who have cursed me is the same as telling God that His blessings of grace, love, mercy, forgiveness, and so on aren't enough to cover what was done. 

Writing 2014 Resolutions

As I sat down to right my resolutions, like I mentioned earlier, I was searching to feel better. So many lies had been poured into my life for several years prior that had caused the build up that I now wanted to feel better. Those are things that I thought could fulfill my life. When really I just needed the first one on my list. 

What I've Learned in 2014

God's Sense of Humor is Funnier than I Originally Thought

I have learned to laugh at my situations some times. Actually all the time. Laughing at these things I cannot control and in the grand scheme of things don't matter as created and retained a sense of joy in my life. I can't control what anyone does besides me and I chose to meet every obstacle, hardship, and situation with the joy only found in Christ. Does that mean I am always happy? No but it means that in every situation I seek God and find my answers in Him, find my joy in Him. 

God's Blessings are better than I could have imagined

The other day as my dad and I drove around spending some quality daddy-daughter time, I told him just how thankful I am for the last year. As a collective most of 2013 and 2014 was a time of growing pains for not only me but for my family. I told him that without knowing what it feels like to be on the other side of the line drawn in the sand, I wouldn't know how to relate to others who have felt outcasted by a religious institution. Without losing someone I thought I'd married, I wouldn't have sought God in my romantic relationships. Without losing friends, I wouldn't have known what it meant to have real friends. Without losing a church, I wouldn't have known what it felt like to have a church family. It's like eating KFC chicken your whole life and then one day eating Chick-fil-A, you didn't even know what you were missing out on until you had what you were missing out on.  

God's strength is renewing and stronger than mine 

In February, my depression began to get crippling. I've talked about it before in blogs about it but never really went into detail. I am very independent and stubborn a majority of the time. So relying on God is often a struggle, often times God has to slap me one good time to get my attention. However around March my depression almost took over. On a rainy day, as I sat in my family's car, I almost took my life. I thought about driving my car into the bridge or into the trees. Though I know it was a battle in my heart and that God ultimately won at the time what prevented me was the burden it would put on my family. However from that moment forward, God has shown me that being weak at His feet, He'll make me stronger in Him. His strength has renewed Joy in me. His strength has renewed Grace in my life. His strength has renewed forgiveness in my life. Without Him I don't know where I'd be. 

God's Grace is abundant 

Woo Doggy! Is this a big one. I think for anyone who has seriously looked at their sin in their lives and looked at the magnitude of what Christ has done on the cross, this is a given of what they see but let me just tell you! God's grace in 2014 has been evident. Many times I saw as God protected me in situations where I could have potentially gotten hurt. God has enabled the broken down of my pride to be able to ask for forgiveness for my wrong doings. He has time and time again revealed lessons to me even when I was unwilling to learn. God's grace is not just a one time occurrence you receive when you pray a prayer, it is evident in every single moment of life.   

God is restorative 

This is much like God's strength. I love sometimes just looking back at my life sometimes and seeing just where God was moving even when in the midst I was sure he had forgotten about me. As I [In my humble opinion] am starting to head up the mountain of life and can look back down I can see all along the way God's restorative nature. 

God's plan is always better than mine

In every situation, His plan is better. That's all. 

So if I had to put my biased opinion in on things, I'd say that 2014 was a great year. Like most people I have work to do in the year 2015 as will I until the day I die however I am very excited to see where God takes me, what twist or turn God has in store for me. My prayer is that whatever happens in 2015 that I glorify God in my actions by showing Grace, Love, and Mercy to everyone I come in contact with. That I continue to grow deeper in my relationship with Christ, my family, and my friends. 

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! 

-A 

Thankful for My Testimony

I'm Back!

It's been a LONG while since I have sat down and blogged. Blogging has seemed to always been a way for me to let out emotions, good and bad, lately my emotions have been channeled back through various aspects of my life and I haven't found topic to really write about.

However after a new reader {Hey Alan!} wrote to me in response to one of my earlier blogs, asking for suggestions, and it being one of my favorite season soon {Happy Thanksgiving}, I have come up with a new series called "Thankful for my Testimony".

If you have been a Christian or been around a Christian chances are you've heard the word testimony. Webster defines testimony like this: something that someone says especially in a court of law while formally promising to tell the truth or proof or evidence that something exists or is true. As a Christian this usually means talking about your life before Christ, your "coming to Jesus moment", and what Christ is currently doing in your life. It's your story.

As I think about all the things I am thankful- my family, my friends, my education, my provisions etc.- one thing that stands above all the rest is the day I came to know the One True King as my friend, my Father, my Savior and my Lord. 


I hope you'll enjoy this series,

Amanda

Friends

I laid starring at the ceiling thinking about where I was, where I had come from, and how much I wouldn't change this. Another night, we'd probably done something so normal, so finite in the the grand scheme of life but in that moment it was infinite in my little world. The laughs engulfed my thoughts like the sea engulfs the shoreline. Fierce, roaring, beautiful and yet so common. 

They honestly don't know the power they have in my life. They pushed open a door that I thought would lock me inside myself forever. It wasn't some FBI raid of my soul but rather a gentle touch that sent everything a flow. 

Her words were simple "You're different, you're better." She said. She had only ever known the part of me that tried to gather my life as it slipped through my fingers like sand. She only knew the crumpled ball of paper lying in the corner but here I was now in front of her straighten, stronger. 

My laugh it roars and they join in, not knowing the pain that that laughter once hid. When I say I love them, they don't understand how my heart would ache with out them there. If I had never known them my heart would ache to know them. When I tell them how happy I am to be with them they don't understand how much happiness it means. They don't understand how it feels to be friends with genuine friends. To feel lifted up around friends rather than torn down by friends. 

Friends. 7 Letters. One Attached by affection or esteem. One that is not hostile. One of the same nation, party or group. A person you enjoy being with. A person who helps or supports someone or something. Friends. 2 syllables.

1 mouth to speak love 

2 hands to lift up 

3 words I love you

4 thousand things to laugh 

5, high fives are crazy complicated 

6 in the morning is our new bedtime 

7 million words wouldn't begin to explain how thankful I am for you. 

Friends. 

Best friends. 

Who needs a boyfriend when you have friends like this.

XOXO

Amanda 

That September Day

13 years ago today I was a almost 7 years old. I was in Mrs. Smith's first grade class at Locus Grove Elementary in Red Lion PA, she always was getting foot surgery and I didn't like her very much. However 13 years ago none of that was anything of real importance to me looking back.

They say you start developing a long term memory around age 4. I can, if I think really hard, remember a few memories. However only a few memories really stick out around this time like that September day.

I remember getting off the bus. My bus stop was at the end of my street that wound up. My mom met me and as we walked closer to the house I could see my dad's blue car that was covered with bumper stickers. Even at age six I understood this was unusual, I however was thrilled that daddy was home. I ran up through the house and back to the room where my parents were. Honestly, I think this is the first time I ever saw my dad cry. He was laying on the bed I could vividly see his "I gave blood" sticker on his shirt and tears streaming down his face. He watched the TV, his eyes fixated on it.

Later on that night, or maybe it was a few days later, my dad took me outside. We stood in our yard and he pointed to the sky. "See that Amanda?" He asked me. I held onto his hand and starred off into the dark oasis above me. "What?" I asked. "No planes." He answered.

No Planes.

If you haven't caught on or don't know what fall day I am referring to then you probably don't understand the significance of the no planes in the sky. Maybe you're too young or just forgotten what brought us to remembering this day.

To me though this is a day that would forever shaped my views of this country. I was only 6 just a week shy of my 7th birthday when Islamic terrorist hijacked our country. I can't remember a time when a war wasn't going on. I don't remember a time when security checks at the airport were so extreme. I've never seen the World Trade Center standing.

I can however remember a time when my dad b-lined it through the Lowe's parking lot to shake the hand of a man in uniform. Or the time my father prayed over a Marine in church. I can remember a time when seeing my President made me tear up. Or when being a President to change the world was my goal. I can remember all the funny remarks and looks I got when I told everyone my graduation party theme was America and I proudly wore my American flag scarf (Which I will be wearing tomorrow). I remember the day when my brother told me he wanted to be a Marine and how my heart still get's filled with pride thinking about it. I can remember a time when singing the national anthem make shivers go up my spine. I can remember just 2 weeks ago how I never felt more like a Pirate then when we all sang out to the song.

I can't remember a time of not being a patriot.

If you know me, you know I love my country. I understand the gift it is to live in a country where just simply being born made me part of the 1% of the world's wealth regardless of my parent's economic standing, even in this past year of being American poor. It's a gift that I can say the government sucks and not be beheaded for it. It's a gift that I am an American. You probably also know my extreme love for political documentaries or the fact that I'm generally not a cryer. I will lower my pride though for a brief minute to tell you that 9/11 videos/movies still make me cry.

Watching that first plane hit at 8:46 into the World Trade Center tears.

Or the Second one hitting 9:03 am brings a gut wrenching feeling into my stomach.

And again into the Pentagon.

And the last time into the Pennsylvania field.

I place myself in the shoes of those watching the towers fall, the horror they must feel and every year on this date I watch the same documentaries and go through the same emotions.

Personally, I don't want to forget. Not that I want to strike up revenge or keep hatred in my heart but that I don't want to forget that day as a turning point for our country. It's one of those days that regardless of our political preference, our sex, our religion or lack their of, or our social agendas, that day most of us sat glued to watching this event. For once in a long while we were one unit.

Fast forward 13 years and many of us have created so many divisions in ourselves it's not even cute. You either hate Obama or you love him. You either are a Liberal or a conservative or an anarchistic or "secretly" part of anonymous (which is sort of like anarchistic and it's not so secretive). You either are for abortion or for life. You either are for same-sex marriage or against them. People who stand for love throw the most rocks at others it seems and the world is flipped to the way it was made to be.

So as you remember this day reflect on this

"A house divided cannot stand" - Abraham Lincoln

Also reflect on if you live in America how much of a privilege it is to live in such a country even in the bad. Are we perfect? Far from it. Are we the greatest country out there? Personally I say yes but that is my outlook. Do we have a long ways to go? Absolutely. For right now though you are an American whether born into it or migrated amongst it. You can be a part of the solution or you can just complain about it the difference is one will change tomorrow and one will just make people want to punch you in the face. 

Make America Better in Honor of the 2,996 people that died that September day

XOXO 

Amanda 

Made New!

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come

[2 Corinthians 5:17]

Hola Peeps!

I wish I could transfer my excitement fully through a computer screen but I can't so just know I am super excited. 

Though tomorrow is the day in which I am truly excited for I decided [Due to already knowing how hectic tomorrow will be] that I would go ahead and write to you explaining to you why so you can also be excited along with me [And pray]. Tomorrow marks a day of new beginnings, new adventures, a fresh start if you will. 

Tomorrow I will be moving into the dorm which I will spend my second year of college in. My school supplies have been bought and [mostly] everything is packed. Tomorrow at 7:30 AM I will be loading up a van and heading back to Greenville.  Yay! I cannot even explain to you how pumped I am to get started on this year. I've expressed to you the heartache I have had over the last year and finally I am at a place where the doom and gloom cloud has passed and I am taking in the radiant light of Jesus once again. 

Speaking of the awesome Lord I serve! The BIGGEST reason and without question the most important reason I am excited for tomorrow is it's my birthday! I'll be four! 

I know what you're thinking! 'Four Amanda? Tomorrow? I thought your birthday is in September and I thought you were turning 20. Like didn't you just write a blog post about turning 20 soon???' You're right, but my fourth birthday coming up tomorrow is far more important than my 20th. 

Four years ago today was a Sunday. I remember vividly the dark room filled with a bunch of teenagers. The song Hosanna was playing and right there in C3's teen auditorium I handed my life over to Jesus Christ. Since then it's been a roller-coaster that only goes up [Thank you Fault in Our Stars for that catch phrase]. I wish we could all just sit around a cup of coffee and talk about the amazing things Christ has done in each of our lives because at least for me I could go on for days. In the last year God has shown me just how much He loves me even when running away from Him is the only thing I feel like doing. God has taught me hard lesson but He has also brought people into my life to shepherd me and grow me in the likeness of Him. I am so excited to see what the next year and so on holds as I try to seek Him daily and bring Glory to His name. 

So in light of my fourth birthday and happy move in day have a cup of coffee or tea and a cupcake for me! 

XOXO

Mandacakes

The Greatest Man

There's been many great men in history. Some conquered empires. Some changed social order. Others changed the world as we knew it. However this isn't about any of them. This is about one man who did all that.

He grew up with not much. Many of his summers were spent on his family farm. He didn't particularly excel in school. After graduating from his town's high school he headed to the Navy. He worked hard and partied even harder.  After one of his tours he was tricked into going on a date with a beautiful curly haired manager at the Dollar Store. A few years later he put a ring on it and they married in the middle of September. This is about the time that his journey began to change.

Nearly 5 years after he married the curly brunette they welcomed a little girl. He probably didn't know it as he held her abnormally large and stretched out head that he would radically change a world.

Nearly 20 years later that baby girl knows for a fact that she would not be where she is with out that man.

His rough hands taught her so much. They taught her how to pitch a softball, bait a hook, and iron a shirt the navy way. They clapped at her games and when she stood in front of a 25,000 people to share her success. They brushed away tears when life knocked her down.

His eyes watched as she flourished and they saw when she was going to fall. They cried the day she walked across the stage and gathered her diploma. They watched her soar and watched her fall.

His lips spoke truth into her life; truth of the gospel and a man far greater than him and the saving grace he offered on a wooden cross 2,000 years ago. His lips built up her character and self esteem. His lips taught lessons. His lips made her laugh.

Day by day, month by month, year by year he changed the world of a little brown eyed girl. He helped her conquer the demons that lived within. He helped change the social order of her life.

Sometimes daddy doesn't even know how much he changed my life. To the world he may not be much. He doesn't make much money and he doesn't have degrees hanging on the wall. He can't send me all around the world and give me everything my wicked heart desires. He did however changed my world. He spent more time developing my character then money on me. He cares more about be being kind and displaying Christ than making loads of money and being well-known. I am who I am because he chose to be active father in my life than a sideliner. He is the first man I loved. The first man to hold my hand. The first man to tell me he loved me. The first man to tell me how proud of me he is. He had every excuse to be lousy father but he chose to be better.


So daddy as you celebrate your birthday today working hard to provide for us just know this, if you ever doubt if you are a good father,  know you're the greatest. If you ever doubt whether you are a good man, know you're the best kind. If you ever doubt whether you are loved, know you are far more loved than words could express.




Happy Birthday Daddy!

Love you!

Your daughter,
Amanda

Bumper Guilt

Preblog: So I wanted to awkwardly apologize for my M.I.A status the last three months. It's summer so do I need to say more? I'd like to say I'd blog more but honestly as school begins to pick up I have no clue how much time I will have dedicated to blogging. Writing has and will always be a source of release for me. I do this in many forms and blogging is just one of them. Maybe I can start posting my short stories for y'all! Anyway, I wanted to make that disclaimer before this blog.

In true life fashion the relationships in my life have evolved rather quickly the last year. If I go WAAAYYY back they've always done this in my life. As I grew up many factors played into the rapidly changing relationships. Sometimes it was moving that erupted this friendships. Other times it was just the relationship took it's course.

Tonight one of my good friends texted me talking about her relationships. She is completely different from me when it comes to relationships. She's a wide-open extrovert who could probably make friends with a tree if the situation called for it. She's the person that knows everybody and talks to everybody. She's the type of person that will hold you if you cry whether she knows you or not and the type of person who will stop you to ask you your name. She's completely understanding of people and willing to forgive (Thank goodness cause we'd probably wouldn't be friends if it weren't for that quality). Most times I am extremely jealous of this aspect in her personality.

I, much like I stated above, am very different from her. I'm nice but I'm rarely the person who will make idle conversation with strangers. Small talk drives me insane, I am more of a deep-let-me-tell-you-about-my-life person. I love to learn about people in a non-basic manner. I like the meat and potatoes. Though I am jealous of my friend's extrovertness, I wouldn't change this about me.

However my friend came to me tonight and told me how I really am the only friend she possess. The only person she can tell her problems to. The only person besides close family members that she trust. Everyone else is just mere acquaintances.

This made me immensely guilty.

Why?

I already trust you.

By the time we've hung out outside of usual places I've already scoped you out. I've made a judgement and determined that I want that friendship. So by then I already have a sense of trust. With that trust my life pours out.

With that being said the bigger the issues I don't spill to everyone. I do have a filter. But I have several people in my life that I can go to with an issue in my life and get an opinion. I have the friend who will call me everyday after my life felt like it was crumbling to pieces to pray for me. I have that friend who will beat up anyone who hurts me. I have another friend just to tell me it will be alright. I have friends who will let me be anger for a bit. Friends who will tell me to get over it. Friends who will take me to the bible. I have mentors and family.

So when this friend told me this I felt a pang of guilt. I have for awhile. I feel the need to chose a best friend and as selfish as it sounds, I don't want to nor do I think they want me to either. The guilt however with her came from the idea that she solely relies on me and I don't on her. My full trust rides on the unchanging God I serve but I also rely on my bumpers aka my best friends, mentors, and family for their advice and guidance.

I guess that's just where my heart is tonight. I look at those relationships around me and I am amazed at how they God orchestrated them into existence. I look at those relationships that are no longer; some sadden me that they ended the way they did, others I am grateful for them being ended by a divine God who knows far more than I'll ever know. I pray God will morph the relationships into ones that both serve Him and bring Him glory. Everyday I thank God for the blessings of great friends, wonderful mentors, and a kick-butt family.


XOXO
Mandacakes



P.S What would you like for me to write? Comment on Facebook or below :)

My New Self

Hey Readerettes (and Readers)!

I am so thrilled to be writing y'all. I've been MIA for awhile which is strange seeing as how my New Years Resolutions was to write on my blog weekly but I failed (oops). Anyway I am just so excited to be writing this blog post. If you have followed my blog from the beginning (Or you could just go back and read) you would notice the roller-coaster ride my life has been on really for the last year. My last blog that I wrote was the 100 things I've learned in the last 365 days. One of the big lessons I learned is just being me and daily being a better version of who I was yesterday.


Needless to say this takes work. This just doesn't happen over night (Lord knows that I wish it did). Every night though I go to be wishing for better things. I'd imagine a world where my heart didn't hurt and I didn't feel stuck. Every morning though I'd arise and quickly scramble to remind myself that I wasn't making any progress, that my heart was still broken, and that nothing good was going to come out of my life. WRONG WRONG, LIES AMANDA LIES! However some major events have happened in the last month that completely and utterly came to ahead Monday night sitting in my car heading to Wal-Mart.

The Identity Crisis

A little over a month ago I was having a "discussion" with my parents. Mainly it was a talk on how, um vocal I had become and how disrespectful it was beginning to be. It ended with me in tears once again because I knew no longer who I was. Logically I knew all the things God spoke about His children and that was truly who I was but in my heart I didn't believe it. God surely couldn't love a messed up person like me. Then a dear lady who lives down the street from us who likes to walk at high paces said to me "Amanda I know it hurts but what they say about you isn't true." and then another lady from church told me the same thing she said "Amanda, I see you at church and I notice you are on the right path, don't let those words change that." 

Praying for Joy

After my first roommate left I had about a month to wallow in self-pity alone. Not that that really had anything to do with moving forward other than my next roommate that came in was named Joy. My Aunt chuckled when I told her. She said it was funny that God knew I needed some Joy. But Joy was no where to be found in this little bitter heart of mine. However after realizing that my issues no longer lied in the hands of those who had caused my misery but in my hands that continued to wage the war of bitterness after forgiveness, I knew that to allow my heart to change I needed to pray for joy-the emotion not that I don't pray for Joy-the person. I've always thought that maybe people kind of saw me as uptight which lead to being unhappy and that always made me feel a little uneasy. I felt like I lacked joy which is something you shouldn't lack with Christ. So I began each day by saying "Jesus please keep me from temptation and fill my heart with joy." 

A Newfound Sense of Joy

I didn't think it was working at all, the prayers. Yeah, I felt happy some but not really what I thought joy was suppose to feel like which brings me to my point of Monday night. If you didn't know my family is in this process of adopting 2 little boys and some sad news came our way. I walked out of the house with tears streaming down my face. I was angry, so angry. I was so ready to yell and scream at God when I got into the car, well I was actually just gonna ignore him mostly. Ignoring God, what a thought. I turned on the radio though and this came on 

and suddenly my joy was there. I praised God for being gracious enough to allow me to feel hurt and pain. I praised Him for giving me far more than I deserve on the other side of pain.

Putting Off The Old Self and Putting On The New Self

My year has been a journey. One of those who likes to criticize me criticized me for putting the lessons I learned on the internet he says that is doesn't do anything nor show my character. Nor do I want it to. I want you to find out for yourself the change God has done in my life. I am growing daily. I have great friends who pour biblical truths into my life. I have a new mentorship with a fantastic woman of God. I have still the great family who strives daily with me to a better version of myself. But daily I must ask God to restore in me a love, gracious, pure, joyous, sacrificial, selfless, committed, respectful self and daily He does. So I pray and ask for your prayers as I continue forth. Pray for the bettering of myself both spiritually, mentally, and physically. 

-A

Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me {Psalm 51:10}

1 Year

It's amazing what 365 days can do to a girl.

A year ago today I walked across a stage and took hold of my high school diploma. I watch my friends graduate and we celebrated.

I had dreams and visions for my life. Honestly those hopes and dreams were completely and utterly shattered this past year. Praise God for that.


A year ago my idea of my life was to live my life with my best friends at the time, marry that boy I had wanted for most of my high school career, get a degree in Political Science, have a family, and become the first female President. On the flip side I also wanted to embrace the notorious reputation that East Carolina University held as a party school. I had visions of partying and drinking and sex. I was running from God fast and furious a year ago.

As much as my outer self kept me together, my inner self was bursting with worldly passions. I didn't know who or what I was anymore but I put on a wonderful show.

Like I said, it's amazing what 365 days will do to a girl.

In 100 days though I will hit another milestone. Adulthood.

Legally I have hit this milestone over a year ago but in 100 days I will hit the big 2-0. So in light of that here is 100 things that the past year has taught me.

01. God is greater than anything I could imagine

02. God's plans are greater than anything I could wish for

03. In the friendship game, it's better to have 4 quarters than 100 pennies

04. The first boy you love may not be the last boy you love

05. It's okay to hurt, it's not ok to become bitter

06. Real friends build you up

07. Fake friends seek to destroy you

08. A Good Family is worth more than all the diamonds in the world

09. If you won't move out of your seat, God will place someone next to you that stinks

10. Sometimes new friendships come out of the most random circumstances

11. Even when you don't feel it, God loves you

12. God has a sense of humor, sometimes you just need to learn to laugh

13. Praying friends are better than friends who offer you a shoulder

14. Discipline hurts

15. College: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times

16. God doesn't always prune us gently

17. If it feels wrong, it most likely is

18. God doesn't offer us the spirit of timidity, Satan sells that, don't buy it

19. Don't place your identity in Christians, place it in Christ

20. If they talk about others to you, they'll talk about you to others

21. Always remember you may be the only true example of Christ others see

22. Starbucks is really expensive

23. Just cause you have money, doesn't mean you should spend it

24. Watch what secrets you entrust to others

25. Sometimes if people can't tear you down with the truth, they'll make stuff up. Don't believe it

26. You're free to have joy

27. Sometimes being heard isn't the most important thing

28. Forgiveness doesn't always equal friendship

29. Some people don't care that they hurt you, still forgive them

30. Forgiveness is something you need to do daily

31. Don't allow others to control what you do

32. Don't paint your nails and leave the bottle on the edge of your bed

33. Nail polish is hard to clean up

34. Sometimes crying is all you can do

35. People are always watching

36. Just because they are adults, doesn't mean they act like it

37. Praise God when you are rich, praise Him even more when you are poor

38. Writing a book isn't as easy as it sounds

39. Trust everyone, but don't let it change you if they break that trust

40. Charm is deceitful and beauty is fleeting

50. Painting is calming

51. I have some artistic bone

52. Humility is a hard pill to swallow, do it anyway

53. Keep the end in mind

54. Keep your head held high

55. Praying is too important to do only at meals and before bed

56. Praising God in the midst of pain is so very sweet

57. The worldly things make look like chocolate but really it's just nicely decorated mud

58. Name alone doesn't make someone a Christian

59. People throw rocks at things that shine (Thanks T-swizzle)

60. A true friend will apologize for hurting you, not blame you

61. Subtweeting leads nowhere good

62. Surround yourself with God's word

63. Lean on God's people

64. Modesty is the best policy

65. Don't just think about chasing God, actually start running

66. Everyone you meet is a new opportunity to learn something new

67. Change sucks going through it, but is awesome when it's done

68. There's a difference between caring and being nosey

69. Mom is truly my best friend

70. Dad is my protector of everything my physical being to my character

71. When you aren't watching your little brother becomes a man

72. Weird is awesome, embrace it

73. Disney movies aren't that bad

74. You will change your major

75. Caring about the opinions of others who don't care about you, is a waste of time

76. Don't look at their social media

77. Laughter is really a good cure

78. Believe that God has and is meeting your greatest need

79. Sometimes family isn't about shared DNA and last names at all but of who is there and loves you

80. God's revenge is the best and easy revenge, so let Him handle it

81. Some people want to help, let them

82. Let go of anger

83. Let go of sadness

84. Let go of the past

85. Christ conquered all, stop trying to too

86. Just cause it's comfortable doesn't mean it's right

87. My future husband is far better than the man in my head

88. A job, a house, a car, a husband, children etc. will come in time. In the mean time grow in God

89. Learn new things

90. Be the person you always wanted but do it with a Gospel heart

91. Talk is just talk, don't let false words change you

92. You have far more people in your corner than you think

93. Even if you don't have people in your corner, God is in your corner so who else do you need?

94. Maturity is a lifestyle not just a destination

95. Tragedies don't prove maturity, how you handle said tragedies do

96. There truly is more fish in the sea, don't get hooked on one

97. Take care of your body, it's housing the King of Kings

98. Work hard

99. It's far better to work hard and get it right the first time then make up for it later

100. Today is a new day with new graces

-A

News Flash

I literally cannot deal with the news anymore. It gets me more angry than anything to sit and watch it. It is sad that someone can't oppose a view without getting fined, hated on, or what have you for that view. It's sad in such a "Progressive" nation that we spend more time bashing each other than actually reporting news, making the world a better place etc. Honestly to me it's gotten old the constant debate between homosexual supporters and non-homosexual supporters. We quite literally have the SAME DEBATE every month at least once a month.  Honestly though, it's us (As Christians) fault. We spend more time discussing what we are against. More time belittling, hating, etc. on those who's ideas don't match with ours that we have caused our own problems. Here me, I will say it slower (As slow as you can in text)

 We. Are. The. Problem.

It isn't the homosexual agenda.

It isn't the muslims. 

It isn't Obama. 

It isn't social media. 

It isn't athetist. 

It isn't the lost. 

It isn't the government. 

It isn't the world. 

It isn't the methodist. 

...The baptist.

...The Nazarenes.

... The Presbretrines. 

It isn't the church down the street. 

It isn't your enemy. 

It is us. 

Why? You ask. Here's why:

1. Nobody knows what we stand for

     What do you stand for? Think about it. Was the first thing you though of Jesus? Or was it your political agenda? Was it pro-life instead of pro-choice? Was it your traditional views of marriage? Chances are if you are anything like me your mind instantly went to your political agenda then your denomination and how you could defend either if this question turn wrong. That's a problem. As Christians we should know that Christ wins. Our government is going to fall. Our dominance as a religion in this country is going to fall. However in the end, Christ reigns on. So shouldn't our stance be for Jesus and His ways rather than arguing to the death pointless stuff. Shouldn't our ideals be to love people who differ from us in such a way that they have no choice but you investigate further what pushes that much love inside of us?

2. We stink of hate

     I love every once in awhile playing the devils advocate on Facebook. I like coming off as if I am going to bring in another view point and when someone questions it in a defense manor, I pull a plot twist. Yes, I know I am wrong for doing this and as Robin always says "Nobody asked you Patrice", however it's usually to bring up the point of smelling hate. I complete understand that there are other out there who "Hate on Christians" but let me ask you this... Who called them to love? Chances are if they are hating on Christians, they aren't following Christ so whomever has called them to love or tried to teach them to love has a skewed view of what love truly is. There idea of love is dirty, broken, and quite honestly a hot mess. However, we as Christians have a far great example of love. Our love is pure and Holy. The one who called us to love is love Himself. Now with those goggles on why is it that we are quick to jump on the hate train when our views are challenged. Why is it when our "muslim president" decides to support gay marriage that suddenly that gives us the right to persecute those who agree with him. NEWS FLASH, it doesn't. One of the many pastors that I enjoy listening too is the college pastor at a church in the town I attend school at. He once, while discussing spiritual warfare, said something on the lines of this The battle we are in is not in the flesh but in the spirit. When Christ said turn the other cheek, it was meant to remind us that this battle isn't one that can be fought in the physical, so turn the other cheek because far more energy needs to be focused on the spiritual than on the physical. So to end this section let me ask you this. What good would it do when met with opposition from someone who was let's say gay came to you and you decided rather than chastising them for their sins, you loved them, you showed them Christ?  

3. You're selling them an iPhone when they are getting a Nokia

     So metaphor alert! This really has been revealed to me the last few months. I realized that in American culture, Christians have the tendancies to sell lost individuals this lushes ideal of the Christian life. They sell them a version of the Genie God (A God that if you rub him the right way and give enough money to the pastor you'll recieve happiness and everything you ever wanted), The get out of pain free card (The idea that Christian life is easy-breezy-cover girl lifestyle), or the Perfectionism Life (Where you have to be perfect to be a Christian or you can't sit with us life). All three are wrong. God is a gracious God. He will provide for you but we must remember if the only thing we get from Him is eternity in His presence, that has to be enough. We can't rely on the idea that if we say enough prayers, give enough money, or attend enough church events that God is going to lavish us with big houses, expensive cars, and loads and loads of happy days (Did Fonzie just pop in your head? Cause he did mine). The Christian life is also not an easy one and why should it be? Christ calls us to pick up our cross and follow Him. I don't know if you know this or not but that wasn't Him saying life is going to be easy. Just because you say a prayer and get dunked and attend church and read your bible does that grant you the privilege of living a life with out the impact of sin around. Trials and pain in our lives are however there for a purpose. They aren't there to punish you but to show you areas in your life where growth needs to be met. James says this "Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything". Trials lead us to holiness and Christ likeness. Lastly perfection doesn't happen over night. Perfection is something that God works on in us so when we meet Him in heaven we are perfect. So this whole idea that Christians some how live perfect lives above sin is B.S and we need to cut that crap out. I have seen more people use that against us on why they don't come to church than anything. We need to stop being pansies about our trials, struggles and pains and need to be like "Look, I am a mess but I got the greatest cleaner around and He's making me new". The Christian lifestyle isn't fancy in world standards. Sometimes we are lame, weird, boring etc. to the outside world. We aren't iPhones. We however have an indestructible life. We live the life of a Nokia. 

So with that being said, I am going to step off my soapbox now. I encourage you dear brothers and sisters of mine to work towards a life that resembles the life of Christ rather than the life of this world with Christ as your blanket shield. I understand it's difficult. But we weren't promised easy streets. I fail daily at trying to love my neighbors and those around me. Pray for me as I pray for you. 

Love you a  bushel and a peck,

Amanda  

Proverbs 31 Gal

Part 1: A New Blog Series and A Revised New Year's Resolutions

I realized this weekend that I did exactly what I didn't want to do January 1st. I broke ALL, okay maybe not all, I kept most of the easiest ones, New Year's Resolutions. However, it isn't even half way through 2014 so I realized I still have time to redeem myself. As I reflected though on where I went wrong or what I could do better I realized a few things. 

1. When I made the resolutions, I was trying to fix me, not allowing God to do so 

2. When I made the resolutions, I wasn't over everything. In fact, I was still a hot HAM. 

3. I hadn't taken it to God to figure out what I actually needed to do. In fact I kind of just did it and hoped He'd jump on bored. 

As I considered all these things I realized why this last week I have felt completely, not myself. I was  finding myself slip into familiar territory of religious acts. So I said Screech, hold up, back up and reverse.

I began to think why I wanted to do resolutions. The answer was simple, I wanted to be better in 2014 than I was in 2013, isn't that everyone's reason? Anyway I didn't want to just be better, ultimately my heart wanted to better in Christ. I don't think my resolutions demonstrated a heart after God. SO (I feel like I said So a lot) I decided to figure out what exactly God says about me being a better woman in Christ. Low and behold (That's for you Mom) I came across Proverbs 31. So for the next couple of blog post, I will be laying out my revised 2014 Resolutions based on Proverbs 31 and tips and tricks. 

Loves

A :) 

Look for Proverbs 31 blog series tomorrow :) 

I(A)MPOSSIBLE

It's 3 in the morning and granted I probably should be asleep right now seeing as how the only day left I have classes is tomorrow. However, I began to right out a status tonight that came to me as I laid in bed doing my norm... thinking. I was reflecting on a conversation I had with one of my best friends today who I swear is identical to me. We were talking about our 20's.


I realized there is a few ways you can look at your 20's. You can go with the normal American ideal where you party away your 20's, live up the life at college, and towards the end settle down with a good job, a lovely spouse and maybe a kid. Or you could do the standard for most Christian, hook yourself a spouse by 21, have lots of babies, and spend your days doing whatever it is married couples do. You could be ambitious and follow steadfastly after that career you've always wanted, barreling through everything and everyone to get to CEO by 30. I realized I had all these options laid down in front of me, I probably still do.


On one hand I've been handed on a nice, lovely, silver platter a business. Being that I had the opportunity to speak on behalf of this business when I was younger and have a lot of "cred", it's almost seen has a must-do. It's something that I feel I HAVE to be successful at. I HAVE to work my business. It's a nice gateway to allow me to follow my dreams and/or Christ.

On a different hand, I've experienced the idea of being in love young. I know a lot of adults are rolling their eyes right now shaking their wrinkly fingers at my youthful face and questioning why on earth I thought I was in love at the ripe young age of 19. *Step on Soapbox* Once you know the love of Christ, being ignorant to love is no longer a thing. Waiting till I'm older to be in love doesn't guarantee me happiness, love is work, love is a choice. *Off soap box* I've ALWAY imagined my life as a YOUNG wife and mother. Honestly, it's the only thing consistent in my life of what I want to be. Barefoot and in the kitchen making my husband a sandwich. Sue me.

On my third hand (Yes, I'm gifted with an extra hand), I'm at Party Central aka ECU aka College. It's unusual to me how easily it was for me to find out how to get alcohol. (Before you crap yourself I'm not drinking). It would be, in American culture, so understandable for me to party in college. In fact it is almost encourage to spend these years of your life living it up in the fast lane. Sex, drugs, and rock and roll baby.


Sadly, as I think about this stuff, I feel empty. Like, haven't eaten nothing but a poptart all day and it's now 9pm empty. I wasn't made to be madly in love with these things as society preaches to me I am.

I sit back and think:

• Partying freaks me out (AKA Cops) 
• Money is nice but I don't like the feeling of being driven by it
• As much as I want to be a wife and a mother, I'm not that ready to be the responsible for another person yet

So what about me? Like what am I suppose to do? According to society I'm basically a bum.

My dad always said to me this "I can't should never be in your vocabulary" and I've heard it said like this "Impossible literally means I'm possible". Tonight; however, I realized both of those things are false.

I am 

Horrible 

Lustful 

Prideful 

A liar 

A cheater

An adulterer 

A jerk 

A blasphemer 

A hypocrite

A hater

Murderer 

Uncompassionate 

Unmotivated 

Negative (Ironic, sorry) 

No good bag of nothing

and you are too. 

Well that just sucks. 

My point is with all that, I can't do anything. I'm no good, I'm useless. We all are. Outside of the Grace of God we can't do anything good. Sure we can have put together lives. We can will ourselves into making money. We can will ourselves into have a great family. We can will ourselves into being healthy. We can will ourselves into have great spiritual walks.  But in the end you're nothing a part from Christ. You will never achieve anything worth bragging to Him with out Him. He doesn't want just your good deeds and hard efforts. He wants you. All of you. 

Lately, that's the struggle I've been facing. I've come into contact with many people who either think that God wouldn't create people to send them to Hell and therefore if you're a good person you'll get into Heaven or Christians who believe Christ died on the cross for their sins because He wanted them to live a ritualistic life filled with rules. Both are false. Good people die daily and go to Hell, I don't believe Christ made people to send them straight to Hell but I do believe He gave us the choice to chose Him and if we don't He has no other choice, He's a jealous God and you lived a life worshiping your good deeds instead of Him. On the flip side Christ came to set us free. In Christ we have life abundantly and in religion we just have life. 

So with that being said, what side do I choose? Where do I want to go? What do I want to do? What do I want? 

 I don't want to live a mediocre life. I don't want my life to be boring and colorless. I don't want to fill my life with boring things of this earth that leave me empty. I don't want to isolate myself from this world with religion and rules. I want to chase to the ends of the Earth the Glory of God. I want to climb the highest mountain just to take Him in. I want to touch the hands of compassion and love. I want to serve others so that they may know my King. I want to run a race that makes Satan shake. I want to be crippled by sin to the point of not having a choice but to move in God's name. I want to be emptied of all my sinful ways so that in me, Christ can be glorified. I don't need money or luxuries, I need Him. 

I want to reach a point in my walk with Christ that this is true. That's what my 20's are. I want to hug the necks of hurting single mothers. I want to love the rejected and hurting. I want to be the voice of the unheard. I want to educate myself about everything God has placed on this Earth. I want to feel what it feels like to have Blessing overflowing to the point that I am drained so much that all I have left to do is be filled by Christ again. 

It's hard. Christ never promised easy, I know that. Christ promised a life of pain, trials, and persecution. He promise more sucky days than good ones. He told us that we were going to have to pick up our own cross and follow Him and following Him means death to one's self. He promise though that at the end of it, it would be well worth it. 

My request is that you keep me in your prayers, pray that I will be broken by Christ, shattered even and that He will raise me up and make greater known His name than mine through me. 

-A 

It's Not Over Til It's Over: Our God is Bigger

I am not a huge dance show or talent competition show viewer. I have never even really watched Dancing With the Stars; however with the contestant Candace Cameron-Bure so blatantly demonstrating her faith on the show it's been hard to ignore. Recently, TheBlaze linked onto their Facebook profile page a video from Cameron-Bure's DWTS clip where she stated that her Christian beliefs would be upheld during the show. As I watched I got a warm, excited feeling that my God is not finished yet.

 My heart cringes whenever older adults start to claim that, because of my generation, the world is coming to an end. Mind you, this is the same generation that introduced Rock n' Roll, Playboy, and a more heighten society of drugs. With the heighten attention to sexual sins, immoralities, and various other "bad sins" many adults start to drop the claim "this is the end". It's completely frustrating. I honestly don't think is shows their attention to the Bible but their lack of faith and hope in the one they serve.

My God is the same God who destroyed the Earth, Nations, and Cities because of sin but He is also the same God who radically changed Saul into Paul and took an adulterous murder like David and made him a man after God's own heart. So please excuse me while I believe that my God can take a Miley/Bieber generation filled with sex, drugs, and rebellion and turn it into a world with more individuals like the Duck Dynasty family, Cameron-Bure, and 19 Kids and Counting.

Trust me, if you are one of those people who {No offense} looks down at the world from their Christian pedestal and prays for a rapture or declares end times, come down. Come down in the dirt and dig around. Be in this world that you are called to love. Aid the hurting. Love the loveless. Defend the weak. Demonstrate such love that when the world looks at you, they see nothing else but Christ, not some hypocritical, judgmental Christian. If you do you'll realize that TV shows such as Ducky Dynasty, Celebrities like Cameron-Bure, and Movies like Heaven is For Real or God's Not Dead are just the beginning. There's a rumbling under the surface that is starting to emerge. A generation that doesn't look at what you've done, what you look like, or what church you go to, to decide whether or not you are fit for the battle. We are a bunch of tatted up, loud gospel music, Jesus freaks who won't stand for this segregated, I'm-Better-Than-You-Because-(I'm a Christian, I'm a Baptist, etc.) mentality.

We are in a war. Stop fight with the person next to you and start fighting the true enemy.



Peace and Blessings,
Amanda Larson



The Video of Candace Cameron-Bure

Safety Scissors

It's a lesson every mother teaches their child.

Don't cut your own hair.

As a child I think I cut my Barbie's hair rather than my own, well that was until today.


As I sat watching something dumb on Hulu {It's so dumb I don't even remember what it was}, the reality of how actually bored I was sat in. I was home alone with just the dog while my dad and brother are at the NCCA tournament games and my mom hung out with her group of friends. It started very vaguely. The idea was probably started as I went through old pictures {Perm and all} and I stumbled upon my short hair picture from circa 2012? I was all like "I was cute." Which brings me to the beginning of my stages of how I chopped off like an inch of hair tonight.

1. Throwbacks
 Around my 18th birthday I had decided that my longer-than-mid-back hair hair had to go. After constant headaches in Africa caused by the heavy weight champion known as my hair in a pony tail all day, I was done. I sat out on the porch as my mom snipped away. It was all fine and dandy until she said lean your head forward and all of my hair came forward. I now had short-than-my-shoulders hair. I swore my mom would never cut my hair again. However today as I looked at the photos I was reminded of how foxy I really was. 

2. Boredom if of the Devil 
"Why'd you do it?" Mom asked. "Satan was all like 'Chop it off' and Jesus was all like 'You'll regret it', so Satan won this battle Mom." I responded. Needless to say as I sat there bored, I probably could have done something more useful with my time like pack to go back to school tomorrow or something. But I didn't. 

3. The Act 
My hair was in a french braid and I thought "Hey, I'll lock of love style it." So I just chopped it off. I then took my hair out of the braid and instantly I looked in the mirror and regretted it. But it was too late now I had to make lemonade with just lemons. 

4. Cut my Losses and Wait for Mom
No pun intended. Okay actually pun was intended because it's funny, don't deny it. I patiently waited for mom to return home. I flipped my hair over my shoulders and greeted her at the door. She was instantly suspicious of my niceness. I apologized first and then begged for her help. At first she was down. Then she was all like I'll take you to the hair salon to fix it tomorrow. Then I was like "No, she'll yell at me for cutting my hair." Then mom was all like "We'll say someone else cut it in your sleep [Aka blame it on Sawyer]." Then after some winning she began to cut my hair.

My hair is fine now and in fact I actually really like. I also ate the words "I'm never letting my mom cut my hair again." and "I won't cut my hair until after I get married." Oh the things though I do so that I can right blog post :) 


Until next time my little chick-a-dees :) 

A 



   

Double Edged Sword

Have you ever noticed how easily your gift from God becomes a source of pride?

I feel like if you have been in God's Kingdom for longer than a millisecond with a inkling idea of your gift that you have been well aware of both it's benefits and downsides.

I feel like my gift is writing and the ability to communicate ideas to other whether it be through writing or speaking.

I struggle daily with this source of pride. It's like every time I think "You got this Amanda, you're a fantastic writer, people love you." my next thought is usually "How prideful of you?"

I don't mean by any stretch of the imagination that you should downplay God's gift that He has entrusted in you. That you should over-humble yourself to the point where you either don't use it or you shrivel up to the idea of someone complimenting you.

At the same time though if you are anything like me, my initial response to anything God has entrusted me with has nothing to do with His Glory but mine.

His gift sometimes has less of what will be brought to His name but of a means of being praised.

-Praised for my abilities... that God entrusted me with

-Praised for my maturity... that came from God's pruning of me

-Praised for my ideas... that God granted me the freedom to think 

-Praised for my transparency... that God gave me the strength to do

At the same time as I battle with this pridefulness in my heart I sit here and wiggle my fingers at those around me who's pride isn't hidden by fancy words. I have been become a master spinster of words, twisting my language to hide the evidence of my guilt. Fancy words such as "It's all God" and "Praise be to God." My christenese is up to par what can I say?

How well have I become at humbling others. I do so with the gift God gave me. With my words. 

Are you starting to see this double edge sword? 

At the same time I am thoroughly grateful for this gift. 

You're now questioning if I am using christenese aren't ya?

I'm Not. 

I mean it. I am thankful.

I have this ability to speak and some how touch those around me. They get inspired to be better. Or they are challenged.

It started when I was 15, I spoke in front of thousands. Suddenly people were coming up to me and saying how much they were touched by my story. Grown adults were saying this. At 15 most people don't realize how much it means to have a bunch of adults tell you that they were listening to you.

Then at 18, out of pure frustration I wrote a post and placed it on a photo. I shared it with my friends and forgot about it. A few hours later I checked back on it. In a matter of three days I doubled, almost tripled, my friends on Facebook. A little post out of frustration was shared almost 100,000 times. Once again I was being commended for my words, these words that God entrusted me with.

Through both events, amongst many more, God has allowed me to meet people who impacted my life. Through the words that He entrusted me with, I was able to widen my pool of influence.

In my mind though I get the facts twisted sometimes. I think how awesome am I to have such an ability to command attention? How awesome am I to have an ability to influence others? How awesome am I?

As I embark on this new journey; however, I hope that God humbles me. That I am consumed like it says in Hebrew 12:29 "...Like an all consuming fire." by God. That every word that I write will bring Glory to none other than His name. That through my success, His name will be lifted higher. That through the opportunities granted to me that I will be able to share His name. Though I may fail, His name will hold strong.


See having a gift is a double edged sword because we make it to be. We grasp on to our gifts and talents instead of turning them over. We taint our gifts. God can use our gift for far more than we can imagine, we just have to let go of our death grip and turn it over to Him.

“The reality is that all God has to do is reveal himself to you, and you'll gladly join the mission in service to his kingdom. He doesn't force the issue; he just has to reveal himself as is: mighty, wondrous, gracious, loving, and radically saving. No man goes back to saltine crackers when he's had fillet mignon.”- Matt Chandler

-Amanda

5 Things I am A Weirdo About

So anyone who even claims to be my friend knows I am weird so I am not even going to deny it. However most people don't know just how weird I am because well I am an actress of sorts and have learned to cover the symptoms of my weirdness. Due to my vow to myself to be more transparent with people especially since my book basically pulls back the curtain and reveals OZ I decided to tell you the 5 things that I am a weirdo about.

1. Potty Time
     I don't know what it is, but I have a very strange regiment when it comes to public bathrooms. No I am not a super freak about the germs, I am however an uber freak about private time. For instance my rules are never go in a stall directly next to someone, never use the first stall in the bathroom, and for the most part pretend you aren't there. Sure there are exceptions to these rules like it being crowded and having friends who don't respect these rules and like to talk or be super close {No, thank you} during potty time.

2. History of Children
     I am like 90% of the time researching things that have no importance to my current situation. For an example if I am in the library chances are I am not doing homework but rather listening to sermons. Another example is if I am in History class more than likely researching recipes for my future family which brings me too...

3. Pinning Hipster 
     I am a pinterst freak but that's a known fact and not something that makes me weird. I promise. However what people don't understand is my "pinerest freakness" didn't come when I discovered pinterest, no I have been doing what pinterest offers for YEARS. I once created 5 brothers and sisters that my parents would adopt. I have scoured the interenet and found pictures, researched toys, clothes, bedroom ideas, etc.

4. Let's Get Physical
     Again this is a known fact amongst my friends. I am not a physical person... like ever. My body like literally rejects itself when ever physical touch is presented. Hugs, hand-holding, dancing, cuddling you name it, it freaks me out.  I just can't do it like even when someone is crying I am like uh sorry but I am going to stand over here and hug myself. In my mind though I love this stuff. I love the idea of hugs, holding hands and cuddling but the minute I try it, it's like I forget to life.

5. It's not you, It's me... Just kidding it probably is you
     I may seem extroverted sometimes but don't let me fool you, I'm not. And I have rules about that too. Like I need time to be myself, more time than the average person I feel like. Like if I am trapped in the same area with you for more than 24-hours feelings of excessive sarcasm and irritability creep into play, if I am trapped with you for more that 48 hours I basically am plotting how I can get away with physical assault, and longer than a week and we basically are enemies now... friendship over. On top of that when ever I am public, I don't care how good of friends we are, I don't want to see you unless I planned on it. I don't like small talk. I won't make eye-contact with you so I can say later on "Oh I didn't see you". Yes I am that much of a meaner, go ahead judge me.

Now you're thinking that I am a psycho and that's okay, because I probably am. I probably could find more reasons but I think I have given you enough ammunition for one day.


Adios Mustachios

A

I Have a Band-aid: Purned not Broken

Okay, honestly I don't have a band-aid, I have something far more greater than that.

I have Jesus.

If you have been keeping up with my blogs you may have remembered a blog I wrote about 3 months ago on me being broken.

Today I went back and read it. Might I just say praise God for His Goodness. Honestly.

I was kind of a depressive jerk in that post. I realized looking back that a lot of it was raw emotion and unfiltered emotion. At the end of the blog I wrote:

Jesus replied "You don't understand what I am doing, but someday you will." John 13:7 

  

Though I still don't know what God is doing it is amazing how He healed my heart. 

 

I spoke about bitterness in my blog. Mainly how my "ex" caused so much bitterness in my heart because of it. Honestly, though I feel I have reason to, I have unfairly portrayed him in my blogs. Yes, it hurt that my heart was broken. Yes, bitterness was there. But you know what Christ is bigger than my broken heart and the bitterness I feel. He, not I, overcame both my broken heart and bitterness. I am completely sorry for that too. It's horrible to think that, as a called representative of Christ, I could allow such disunity amongst a brother in Christ let alone someone who I care deeply for.

 

 The sting of my past sometimes creep in. Late at night I sometimes think about all that I lost and my body literally begins to shake. Then I remember that I gained so much more through it that the sting is gone. It frankly sucks to have lost that many people I cared about but then again it sucks more that I wasted so much time focusing on my own loss that I forgot to glorify God. 

I also forgot that Christ also knows what it feels like to have friends turn on Him. Even though I forced those of my friends in their final decision. Christ understands. Judas betrayed Him and Peter denied Him. 

I, however, should have handled the situation COMPLETELY differently. People hurt each other it's our natural sin reaction. Instead of showing love though, I completely showed nothing but hate. Deep-seeded hate. 

I am completely sorry for my actions. 

With all that I must say though God is Good. Thank goodness that God does not allow His children to fall away. Thank goodness that God pursues me continually even though I run from Him. Thank goodness that God loves me more than I could have ever imagined that He would give me an opportunity to make it right. 

I don't know where God is taking me. The journey is both electrifying and terrifying all at once. The unknown is vast but I am daily learning to trust Him. Many things I hope for. I hope for renewing in relationships that I have been broken and can only be healed by Him. I hope for opportunities for my puring and mistakes can be used to bring Glory to God. 

I hope to change the idea that brokenness is a one-stop destination. The end all be all. It isn't brokenness is on the lines of cutting away the branches that don't produce fruit like Christ mentions in John 15:1-17. Brokenness is there so you lean closer to God and further from your own understandings and what the world offers.

XOXO

Amanda