Living not Existing

After getting my grades back for my first semester in college the anxiety I felt before heighten. See I like to think of myself as not a normal kid. I don't picture myself in one specific career let's say like a doctor or an accountant or a teacher or a preacher. Not that there is anything wrong with those careers, I am just not that. The other night I frantically took numerous aptitude test to figure out what I should be. Sadly, the aptitude test kept saying things like an accountant or a statistics annalist, which I don't quite get seeing as how I barely passed Algebra 2, failed Online Pre-Cal and barely passed pre-cal in a class in high school. In fact when choosing my major I was thrilled to find out that Communication Majors could switch their math out for a philosophy class. With all that a side though, my mind has been racing with the questions "What will you do?" "Who are you?" and "How will you get to where you need to go". Now I get it there's that very Christian complacent side of me that says "Oh God will figure it out" and that is very true, God has a plan; however, I've met people who mindlessly navigate through life waiting for God to shoot across the sky their answer. They waste precious days, months and even years waiting for a shout from God instead of discovering what God has for them. I don't want to be that person. So when I have a minute away from the busyness of life and my binge watching of Netflix and Hulu, I sit down and research.

At first my research started out of my obsession with being the perfect wife and mother. I would research better ways to love my husband or how to save lots of money couponing. I pinned numerous pins on creative memories to make with my children and seemingly wonderful ideas of showing my future husband I loved him. When I realized that perfection was an ideal and not a reality I moved on.

I then dived deep into the idea of self improvement. That's where I am now. After I got tired of playing the victim of past friendships gone sour and a relationship that lacked respect I took a deep look in the mirror and realized I didn't know who I was. As a high schooler I had these ideas of who I was going to be in college, what I was going to do. I was going to be fit, I was going to be smart and I was going to be on track to a successful life. But here I sit chubby, dumb and completely and utterly lost.

~ All who wander aren't lost - J.R.R Tolkien ~

I realize I am wandering. I realized that I am still a piece of work, God isn't finished in me. I realize that as I approach 20 this upcoming year that I still have a lot to learn. So as I wander, collecting pieces along the way I research. I spend countless hours listening to speakers rattle on about making the most of my life in my 20's. I pin pins that will help me be in the future a better mom and a better mother. But mostly I invest in my personality, my character and my future. I am learning how to budget and save money. I am learning my own sense of style. I am learning what it looks like to be a true friend. I am discovering who I want to be. I realized that I want to spend my life inspiring others to be better than who they are now. That's what I want to do in my life. I want to write beautiful things. I want to stand in front of people with my heart racing, knees trembling and strongly deliver a speech. I want to be a person who spews creativity and ideas, a person who has a strong character and morals. I want to live instead of exist. I don't want to just pursue knowledge found in a text book but knowledge found in the hearts of others. 

-Amanda