I Wanted To Die... You Could See It in My Eyes

I had kept it a secret for a while. The most anyone knew was my reaction from a talk with a family member that day. In fact I can’t tell you who I had told first in a serious matter. I had always joked around about it. Those who were close to me I am sure could sense my pain but didn’t know what to do but they never knew it ran this deep.

There are many things I remember from that experience but I’ll start at the beginning.

It was a Sunday. It was raining outside but the rain had ended by the time I left my Aunt’s house. I cried all the way home. I had finally hit that point in my life where all the frustration and brokenness in my life had met. I don’t think it’s wrong for Christians to feel this way. I think throughout the bible God allows His people to be broken so they will lean more into Him. I cried though, all the way home. I reached this bridge however and the thoughts ran ramped through my mind. I imagined running my car into the bridge side or even just driving off the bridge. I imagined hitting the tree but more importantly in that moment I imagined my family. I didn’t imagine their heartache for losing their daughter, sister, niece, cousin or granddaughter, I imagined the hassle it would be to deal with my death. I imagined my parents being angry for having to replace their only car that I would have wrecked. I imagined the financial hit my parents would take for the funeral. I imagined the embarrassment my family would face explaining to people why I took my life.  The decision for me was nonchalant, like a checkless of pros and cons. I drove home though.

When I arrived home I cried to my mom. I didn’t mention how her only daughter almost ended her life but I told her of all the other things that I had faced that day. It was another weekend for me. Another weekend of discussing the same old hurt that I was feeling. Another weekend of my depression getting the best of me. Another weekend. 

As time went on and most everyone forgot that day happened to me, that day was ever prevalent in my mind. I begin to fake it better. I began to be sarcastic about my depression. I begin to joke about those who had in a nonchalant manner encouraged me down that path with their hurtful words and actions towards me. However when I was alone I’d sit there and imagine what it would feel like to that person who would find my dead body.

A few months ago the secret I held in my heart got blurted out. I do believe to some degree it shocked my parents to hear those words but to another degree I am sure they had worried about it for a while. It came to the point though where I had to explain it to my extended family. For once the words didn’t come out in a fit of anger or in my sarcasm. The words came out in a genuine need for understanding.

I wanted to die.

My body revolted against me. I shook and sobbed. It probably was the first time I just let go. Every hurt, every frustration, every damaging word spoken and negative action taken against me released from my body at that moment. In that moment though I was freed.

It’s hard to place myself back there. It’s hard to every think of the girl now who laughs way too much and who finds the joy in standing in the pouring rain was ever drowned by the same rain.

My life is now filled with gratitude from those around me. There are few people who truly stuck by me through it all. I realize that my action were awful at times, that I pushed certain people away with my words and actions. Many chose to leave, few stayed.

I’m not bitter. I think that I could easily hate those who hurt me and blame them. My actions were still chosen by me. Every opposition I felt was a growing opportunity. That’s why I am finally breaking the silence after a year. I don’t know where you are in your life at this moment. If you are depressed though, as cliché as it sounds, it get’s better.

James writes in James (Obviously, haha) that BLESSED is the man/woman who is steadfast under trials, for he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love Him. [James 1:12].

 Lean into Christ, that doesn’t mean that you’ll instantly feel better cause trust me it took months for me to get to a point where my happy moments out weighed my sad moments. It was a continual process of being broken and being healed, broken and healed. Rest though in the promise held 2 Corinthians 1:4 Who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.

Also seek guidance and mentorship. One of the best things I have done in my years as a Christian is to find someone who will mentor me. She is able to recognize things in me and walk me through passages in the bible. One of the main issues I had due to my depression is my identity in Christ and she was able to guide me through bible verses to help me recognize my identity.

Life get’s better. Life is about hilltops and valleys. There are lessons to be learned on both. I know the warning signs and situations that could easily trigger me back into those bad days. I try to be grateful for all those in my life. I try to help those who may be going through similar situations.

The pictures at the beginning of the blog are taken at two separate times. The one on top was taken right before that day on the bridge and the second one was taken a few weeks ago. I have no clue, maybe it's just me but if I strum through my photos I can clearly see into my heart in these photos through my eyes. My eyes tell a story of my journey and where I am at the specific moment. I am grateful that my eyes sparkle and shine. That my heart is filled with joy and that my eyes reflect that. 

-Amanda 

Confessions of A 2014 Failure

Christmas is like a week a way and New Years is right around the corner and here I sit, in the dark, realizing that I have yet to accomplish hardly any of my goals for 2014. As I read through my blog 2014 I realized there's only a few that I feel I have made strides towards while the rest have come up void.

In this truth though, I am not sad, or feeling like a failure, I feel proud and accomplished. I was baffled by this. Why should I feel excited and proud of not accomplishing my goals for 2014? So I began to mull over in my head why and my simple responses is this: New Years Resolutions aren't always about completing them but rather growing as a person. 

Most of my goals from last consisted of creating a better version of myself. I wanted to eat healthier to look better. I wanted to read more to know more. I wanted to be more conscious of my words to go deeper in relationships. I wanted to be a better individual than who I was at the start of 2014. I feel I accomplished that but for your sake, let's take a trip down memory lane. 

At The End of 2013

I cried a lot. The deep seeded hurt I was feeling only seemed to get worse as the days went by. Heading into 2014, I couldn't even begin to imagine that it was not yet over. My depression slowly creeping in, like a robber in the night. I could here the aches and creeks of my soul but I had not yet discovered a thief inside me. The one good thing is as I was falling down, Christ captured my attention, my heart, and my soul. Looking back I find it difficult to even be angry with the ones that hurt me. I feel throwing my fist in the air and cursing those who have cursed me is the same as telling God that His blessings of grace, love, mercy, forgiveness, and so on aren't enough to cover what was done. 

Writing 2014 Resolutions

As I sat down to right my resolutions, like I mentioned earlier, I was searching to feel better. So many lies had been poured into my life for several years prior that had caused the build up that I now wanted to feel better. Those are things that I thought could fulfill my life. When really I just needed the first one on my list. 

What I've Learned in 2014

God's Sense of Humor is Funnier than I Originally Thought

I have learned to laugh at my situations some times. Actually all the time. Laughing at these things I cannot control and in the grand scheme of things don't matter as created and retained a sense of joy in my life. I can't control what anyone does besides me and I chose to meet every obstacle, hardship, and situation with the joy only found in Christ. Does that mean I am always happy? No but it means that in every situation I seek God and find my answers in Him, find my joy in Him. 

God's Blessings are better than I could have imagined

The other day as my dad and I drove around spending some quality daddy-daughter time, I told him just how thankful I am for the last year. As a collective most of 2013 and 2014 was a time of growing pains for not only me but for my family. I told him that without knowing what it feels like to be on the other side of the line drawn in the sand, I wouldn't know how to relate to others who have felt outcasted by a religious institution. Without losing someone I thought I'd married, I wouldn't have sought God in my romantic relationships. Without losing friends, I wouldn't have known what it meant to have real friends. Without losing a church, I wouldn't have known what it felt like to have a church family. It's like eating KFC chicken your whole life and then one day eating Chick-fil-A, you didn't even know what you were missing out on until you had what you were missing out on.  

God's strength is renewing and stronger than mine 

In February, my depression began to get crippling. I've talked about it before in blogs about it but never really went into detail. I am very independent and stubborn a majority of the time. So relying on God is often a struggle, often times God has to slap me one good time to get my attention. However around March my depression almost took over. On a rainy day, as I sat in my family's car, I almost took my life. I thought about driving my car into the bridge or into the trees. Though I know it was a battle in my heart and that God ultimately won at the time what prevented me was the burden it would put on my family. However from that moment forward, God has shown me that being weak at His feet, He'll make me stronger in Him. His strength has renewed Joy in me. His strength has renewed Grace in my life. His strength has renewed forgiveness in my life. Without Him I don't know where I'd be. 

God's Grace is abundant 

Woo Doggy! Is this a big one. I think for anyone who has seriously looked at their sin in their lives and looked at the magnitude of what Christ has done on the cross, this is a given of what they see but let me just tell you! God's grace in 2014 has been evident. Many times I saw as God protected me in situations where I could have potentially gotten hurt. God has enabled the broken down of my pride to be able to ask for forgiveness for my wrong doings. He has time and time again revealed lessons to me even when I was unwilling to learn. God's grace is not just a one time occurrence you receive when you pray a prayer, it is evident in every single moment of life.   

God is restorative 

This is much like God's strength. I love sometimes just looking back at my life sometimes and seeing just where God was moving even when in the midst I was sure he had forgotten about me. As I [In my humble opinion] am starting to head up the mountain of life and can look back down I can see all along the way God's restorative nature. 

God's plan is always better than mine

In every situation, His plan is better. That's all. 

So if I had to put my biased opinion in on things, I'd say that 2014 was a great year. Like most people I have work to do in the year 2015 as will I until the day I die however I am very excited to see where God takes me, what twist or turn God has in store for me. My prayer is that whatever happens in 2015 that I glorify God in my actions by showing Grace, Love, and Mercy to everyone I come in contact with. That I continue to grow deeper in my relationship with Christ, my family, and my friends. 

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! 

-A 

Thankful for My Testimony

I'm Back!

It's been a LONG while since I have sat down and blogged. Blogging has seemed to always been a way for me to let out emotions, good and bad, lately my emotions have been channeled back through various aspects of my life and I haven't found topic to really write about.

However after a new reader {Hey Alan!} wrote to me in response to one of my earlier blogs, asking for suggestions, and it being one of my favorite season soon {Happy Thanksgiving}, I have come up with a new series called "Thankful for my Testimony".

If you have been a Christian or been around a Christian chances are you've heard the word testimony. Webster defines testimony like this: something that someone says especially in a court of law while formally promising to tell the truth or proof or evidence that something exists or is true. As a Christian this usually means talking about your life before Christ, your "coming to Jesus moment", and what Christ is currently doing in your life. It's your story.

As I think about all the things I am thankful- my family, my friends, my education, my provisions etc.- one thing that stands above all the rest is the day I came to know the One True King as my friend, my Father, my Savior and my Lord. 


I hope you'll enjoy this series,

Amanda

Friends

I laid starring at the ceiling thinking about where I was, where I had come from, and how much I wouldn't change this. Another night, we'd probably done something so normal, so finite in the the grand scheme of life but in that moment it was infinite in my little world. The laughs engulfed my thoughts like the sea engulfs the shoreline. Fierce, roaring, beautiful and yet so common. 

They honestly don't know the power they have in my life. They pushed open a door that I thought would lock me inside myself forever. It wasn't some FBI raid of my soul but rather a gentle touch that sent everything a flow. 

Her words were simple "You're different, you're better." She said. She had only ever known the part of me that tried to gather my life as it slipped through my fingers like sand. She only knew the crumpled ball of paper lying in the corner but here I was now in front of her straighten, stronger. 

My laugh it roars and they join in, not knowing the pain that that laughter once hid. When I say I love them, they don't understand how my heart would ache with out them there. If I had never known them my heart would ache to know them. When I tell them how happy I am to be with them they don't understand how much happiness it means. They don't understand how it feels to be friends with genuine friends. To feel lifted up around friends rather than torn down by friends. 

Friends. 7 Letters. One Attached by affection or esteem. One that is not hostile. One of the same nation, party or group. A person you enjoy being with. A person who helps or supports someone or something. Friends. 2 syllables.

1 mouth to speak love 

2 hands to lift up 

3 words I love you

4 thousand things to laugh 

5, high fives are crazy complicated 

6 in the morning is our new bedtime 

7 million words wouldn't begin to explain how thankful I am for you. 

Friends. 

Best friends. 

Who needs a boyfriend when you have friends like this.

XOXO

Amanda 

That September Day

13 years ago today I was a almost 7 years old. I was in Mrs. Smith's first grade class at Locus Grove Elementary in Red Lion PA, she always was getting foot surgery and I didn't like her very much. However 13 years ago none of that was anything of real importance to me looking back.

They say you start developing a long term memory around age 4. I can, if I think really hard, remember a few memories. However only a few memories really stick out around this time like that September day.

I remember getting off the bus. My bus stop was at the end of my street that wound up. My mom met me and as we walked closer to the house I could see my dad's blue car that was covered with bumper stickers. Even at age six I understood this was unusual, I however was thrilled that daddy was home. I ran up through the house and back to the room where my parents were. Honestly, I think this is the first time I ever saw my dad cry. He was laying on the bed I could vividly see his "I gave blood" sticker on his shirt and tears streaming down his face. He watched the TV, his eyes fixated on it.

Later on that night, or maybe it was a few days later, my dad took me outside. We stood in our yard and he pointed to the sky. "See that Amanda?" He asked me. I held onto his hand and starred off into the dark oasis above me. "What?" I asked. "No planes." He answered.

No Planes.

If you haven't caught on or don't know what fall day I am referring to then you probably don't understand the significance of the no planes in the sky. Maybe you're too young or just forgotten what brought us to remembering this day.

To me though this is a day that would forever shaped my views of this country. I was only 6 just a week shy of my 7th birthday when Islamic terrorist hijacked our country. I can't remember a time when a war wasn't going on. I don't remember a time when security checks at the airport were so extreme. I've never seen the World Trade Center standing.

I can however remember a time when my dad b-lined it through the Lowe's parking lot to shake the hand of a man in uniform. Or the time my father prayed over a Marine in church. I can remember a time when seeing my President made me tear up. Or when being a President to change the world was my goal. I can remember all the funny remarks and looks I got when I told everyone my graduation party theme was America and I proudly wore my American flag scarf (Which I will be wearing tomorrow). I remember the day when my brother told me he wanted to be a Marine and how my heart still get's filled with pride thinking about it. I can remember a time when singing the national anthem make shivers go up my spine. I can remember just 2 weeks ago how I never felt more like a Pirate then when we all sang out to the song.

I can't remember a time of not being a patriot.

If you know me, you know I love my country. I understand the gift it is to live in a country where just simply being born made me part of the 1% of the world's wealth regardless of my parent's economic standing, even in this past year of being American poor. It's a gift that I can say the government sucks and not be beheaded for it. It's a gift that I am an American. You probably also know my extreme love for political documentaries or the fact that I'm generally not a cryer. I will lower my pride though for a brief minute to tell you that 9/11 videos/movies still make me cry.

Watching that first plane hit at 8:46 into the World Trade Center tears.

Or the Second one hitting 9:03 am brings a gut wrenching feeling into my stomach.

And again into the Pentagon.

And the last time into the Pennsylvania field.

I place myself in the shoes of those watching the towers fall, the horror they must feel and every year on this date I watch the same documentaries and go through the same emotions.

Personally, I don't want to forget. Not that I want to strike up revenge or keep hatred in my heart but that I don't want to forget that day as a turning point for our country. It's one of those days that regardless of our political preference, our sex, our religion or lack their of, or our social agendas, that day most of us sat glued to watching this event. For once in a long while we were one unit.

Fast forward 13 years and many of us have created so many divisions in ourselves it's not even cute. You either hate Obama or you love him. You either are a Liberal or a conservative or an anarchistic or "secretly" part of anonymous (which is sort of like anarchistic and it's not so secretive). You either are for abortion or for life. You either are for same-sex marriage or against them. People who stand for love throw the most rocks at others it seems and the world is flipped to the way it was made to be.

So as you remember this day reflect on this

"A house divided cannot stand" - Abraham Lincoln

Also reflect on if you live in America how much of a privilege it is to live in such a country even in the bad. Are we perfect? Far from it. Are we the greatest country out there? Personally I say yes but that is my outlook. Do we have a long ways to go? Absolutely. For right now though you are an American whether born into it or migrated amongst it. You can be a part of the solution or you can just complain about it the difference is one will change tomorrow and one will just make people want to punch you in the face. 

Make America Better in Honor of the 2,996 people that died that September day

XOXO 

Amanda 

Made New!

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come

[2 Corinthians 5:17]

Hola Peeps!

I wish I could transfer my excitement fully through a computer screen but I can't so just know I am super excited. 

Though tomorrow is the day in which I am truly excited for I decided [Due to already knowing how hectic tomorrow will be] that I would go ahead and write to you explaining to you why so you can also be excited along with me [And pray]. Tomorrow marks a day of new beginnings, new adventures, a fresh start if you will. 

Tomorrow I will be moving into the dorm which I will spend my second year of college in. My school supplies have been bought and [mostly] everything is packed. Tomorrow at 7:30 AM I will be loading up a van and heading back to Greenville.  Yay! I cannot even explain to you how pumped I am to get started on this year. I've expressed to you the heartache I have had over the last year and finally I am at a place where the doom and gloom cloud has passed and I am taking in the radiant light of Jesus once again. 

Speaking of the awesome Lord I serve! The BIGGEST reason and without question the most important reason I am excited for tomorrow is it's my birthday! I'll be four! 

I know what you're thinking! 'Four Amanda? Tomorrow? I thought your birthday is in September and I thought you were turning 20. Like didn't you just write a blog post about turning 20 soon???' You're right, but my fourth birthday coming up tomorrow is far more important than my 20th. 

Four years ago today was a Sunday. I remember vividly the dark room filled with a bunch of teenagers. The song Hosanna was playing and right there in C3's teen auditorium I handed my life over to Jesus Christ. Since then it's been a roller-coaster that only goes up [Thank you Fault in Our Stars for that catch phrase]. I wish we could all just sit around a cup of coffee and talk about the amazing things Christ has done in each of our lives because at least for me I could go on for days. In the last year God has shown me just how much He loves me even when running away from Him is the only thing I feel like doing. God has taught me hard lesson but He has also brought people into my life to shepherd me and grow me in the likeness of Him. I am so excited to see what the next year and so on holds as I try to seek Him daily and bring Glory to His name. 

So in light of my fourth birthday and happy move in day have a cup of coffee or tea and a cupcake for me! 

XOXO

Mandacakes

The Greatest Man

There's been many great men in history. Some conquered empires. Some changed social order. Others changed the world as we knew it. However this isn't about any of them. This is about one man who did all that.

He grew up with not much. Many of his summers were spent on his family farm. He didn't particularly excel in school. After graduating from his town's high school he headed to the Navy. He worked hard and partied even harder.  After one of his tours he was tricked into going on a date with a beautiful curly haired manager at the Dollar Store. A few years later he put a ring on it and they married in the middle of September. This is about the time that his journey began to change.

Nearly 5 years after he married the curly brunette they welcomed a little girl. He probably didn't know it as he held her abnormally large and stretched out head that he would radically change a world.

Nearly 20 years later that baby girl knows for a fact that she would not be where she is with out that man.

His rough hands taught her so much. They taught her how to pitch a softball, bait a hook, and iron a shirt the navy way. They clapped at her games and when she stood in front of a 25,000 people to share her success. They brushed away tears when life knocked her down.

His eyes watched as she flourished and they saw when she was going to fall. They cried the day she walked across the stage and gathered her diploma. They watched her soar and watched her fall.

His lips spoke truth into her life; truth of the gospel and a man far greater than him and the saving grace he offered on a wooden cross 2,000 years ago. His lips built up her character and self esteem. His lips taught lessons. His lips made her laugh.

Day by day, month by month, year by year he changed the world of a little brown eyed girl. He helped her conquer the demons that lived within. He helped change the social order of her life.

Sometimes daddy doesn't even know how much he changed my life. To the world he may not be much. He doesn't make much money and he doesn't have degrees hanging on the wall. He can't send me all around the world and give me everything my wicked heart desires. He did however changed my world. He spent more time developing my character then money on me. He cares more about be being kind and displaying Christ than making loads of money and being well-known. I am who I am because he chose to be active father in my life than a sideliner. He is the first man I loved. The first man to hold my hand. The first man to tell me he loved me. The first man to tell me how proud of me he is. He had every excuse to be lousy father but he chose to be better.


So daddy as you celebrate your birthday today working hard to provide for us just know this, if you ever doubt if you are a good father,  know you're the greatest. If you ever doubt whether you are a good man, know you're the best kind. If you ever doubt whether you are loved, know you are far more loved than words could express.




Happy Birthday Daddy!

Love you!

Your daughter,
Amanda