At the young age of 19 I happen to wonder very often, "Am I normal?". The truth is most likely I am not but if I am also being honest, I don't want to be either. Normality according to the world's standards is seemingly bitter towards me sometimes.
Meritocracy was never something I was taught. I was never taught to fit in by my parents. I however did a lot of trying to fit in during my middle school and high school years. Sometimes even now I try to fit in with a group of people.
In today's world though being better than meritocracy is measured by money, popularity and achieving the "American dream". It is about having a least a two story home, 2 cars, a dog, a cat and 2.5 children. It is about having a degree to go to work in an office and rise up the corporate ladder. Or in the new generation it is about having so much money that you have no idea what to do with it.
As humans, particularly Americans, we chase this idea of power and being better. We fear the alternative.
I don't want that though.
See after the week I had this past week, I have been so clearly opened to God that my fears are no longer the same.
I don't fear being poor.
I don't fear not having an education.
I don't fear not being a good friend.
I don't fear not being a good daughter.
I don't fear not being a good sister.
I don't fear not being a good wife.
I don't fear not being a good mother.
I don't fear being easily forgotten.
I don't fear not being important.
If I fail to be rich, smart, popular, relevant or what have you because God calls me to take my cross else where. So be it.
I am more afraid in my life right now of wasting 5, 10, 15 years of my life trying to achieve the world's ideal of awesomeness and not pleasing God than I am of being looked down upon by the world.
As Christians we often miss this. Every one of those things I would love to be blessed with. I would love to have money to help others, I'd love to have a great relationship with my parents, friends and brother, I'd love to one day be a great mother and a great wife, I'd love for people to remember me and to be important, but I rather have all of those things because I am so clung to God's shirt, with my ear pressed against His chest that I can hear His calling for me than to flippantly chose that. But as Christians we often think that to be "good" that we need all of those. So we chase them. We chase after the worldly view of Christianity rather than chasing Christ.
So my greatest fear isn't that I won't be much in this world but that I won't be anything in Him.
-Amanda
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